Goodbye My Lover
It has been years since I have taken the time to write, but this morning I had this very cathartic, long over due revelation, so it seemed to make sense to post that epiphany here. Most of my writings on this blog came from a time when I was so hurt and wounded that I could not breathe without aching. After years of being close to death, I had set fire to my insides. I was trying to breathe through corrupted lungs, suffocating from the weight of my own failings as a wife, exhaling my last breath....... I played the victim throughout my divorce and even after, but I realized we both hurt each other. My hurt was done with words and his with actions. After all this time that has passed and all the changes we have experienced in our lives I realized I have not asked for his forgiveness, nor have I extended him any. Over the last seven years, every time I have felt even close to getting to the point of forgiveness a new little piece of information gets mysteriously revealed, hurting me all over again. It has stolen that chance of forgiveness right out of the air several times. Just recently I discovered he had been dating her since October 5, 2007. They have been together for eight years. That was one year since we moved from Alabama, five months after our 10 year anniversary cruise, four month after we bought the townhouse, six months before I even mentioned possibly following a job to Greensboro, and nine months before I started having feelings for Parker. (To which I maintain were in part driven by my husband ignoring me, as I did not seek out another and NEVER cheated.) I asked him the other day if it was true, had they really been dating that long. Was I really a blind fool? I am unsure why I thought I would get honesty. Astounding denial to this day even in black and white on her Facebook page. I wanted to ask him if he ever gets tired of hurting me..... but I didn't. I realized he let me go and everything about our lives eight+ years ago. I thought I was going to spend a life time with him. It is crazy how much we romanticize our relationships. Dream them up into these larger than life silver screen dramas when in reality he never loved me at all. I was merely the understudy, the fill in while he was waiting for his real soulmate? This song seems fitting. Good-bye my lover.... I knew everything about you and at one point you were my everything but now I am just letting go. Letting go of the hurt and forgiving.