I have all these fears that I can't talk about because when you say them out loud it births them into something. They are no longer the concerns or fears bouncing around in your addled brain but they have enlightened the people around you with just how weak and scared you can be.

People (friends, boyfriend, mom..ect) they all dismiss them like you are being silly but you aren't. They are real fears based on real experiences ripped from chapters of your life. It is how you feel but they are quickly dismissed like you are just being insecure. What is so insecure about the FACT that things do not always go as planned or hoped?

All those old fears seep in filling my head like an octopus releasing its ink. It clouds the brain and makes everything muddy, black, dark! What if he wants out? What if he has lost interest? What if I gain to much weight and he no longer desires me? What if...... My head swims with the what ifs slowly stifling my love and overwhelming fear replacing it. 

Looking at my couch and my things I start wondering if I would be better off just leaving things as they are. Stop planning for a future that may or may not ever come. The problem with this is it changes you. Your attitude towards people. When you accept the statuesque something in you dies and the way you see things change which in turn changes you. I like my life the way it is, until I don't. Meaning I like that he comes over and stays and I miss being a wife and taking care of someone until the fear creeps in.

He has started talking about moving into the house now that the floors and painting are near done. This means he will be spending less time here and more time at his own house. I start to wonder if this feels more like a step back then a step forward. That he will see that single life with some ass on the side is the way to go. Someone who cooks for him on the nights he decides to come over and stays but the rest of the time the ability to blow in and out as he sees fit. (To be fair to him he does not seem like he plans to do this but it does not ease the fear in my head.)

In my marriage I did not say these things aloud all the time because they were dismissed as being stupid but this blog has provided me the space to write my feelings, my concerns, a true window into my psyche, a way to see the things that are not always easy to say out loud but nonetheless are felt. 

So here I sit wishing to speak but not being able to find my voice.  The rare opportunity to see the inner workings of what makes up me but never giving those I love a chance to look behind the curtain.  


Fruit Taster said...

It's hard to comment on your private thoughts without sounding like I'm offering advice or like I know better. Which I surely don't. But I agree, it is a fact that things don't always go as planned. And everybody deals with this in different ways.

Some turn to religion to give them a sense of hope and understanding. Some use that fear as motivation for keeping fit or doing whatever is necessary. Some say experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

In my case, on the outside I project an image of being forever positive about whatever happens. Not that I don't spend my fair share of time worrying about stuff. My secret though is that it is the fear of looking at the negative and seeing something really scary that motivates me. I'd rather ignore the negative or see it in a positive light than consider how bad it actually is. Blissfull ignorance I think it's called? I know, not always a good strategy but there is something to be said for looking at the bright side of things.

Re-reading your thoughts I keep coming back to that fear of him leaving you, and I can't help but read it as though you're not 100% sure that you know who he is. And it's a sad thought. Because I've been reading you for so long. And because you've been with him for so long and you're still not sure. Maybe it's a reflection of who you are more than who he is, or maybe not, but it's sad nonetheless.

A life in doubt seems like a life with restraints. That's not what a siren deserves.

Calliope Jones said...

Fear is something that one can get control over but it is not as easy as simply dismissing those fears. I am trying to work through them. I want to be smarter and more cautious than I was in my last relationship.

I thought I was happy with my ex and it felt like one day he woke up and decided he wanted a different life that did not include me. I guess I have never gotten over that. How does someone you love so much just wake up one day and be done with an entire life you spent 11 years creating?

If it happened to me once what makes me think it cannot happen to me again?

People seem to fall in and out of love without thought to consequences, traditions, vowels, what the words mean. I am an old fashioned girl who just wants someone to love me and mean it.
I made it sound like he is looking to get out and that may not be the case. It may just be me fabricating the tension into something it is not. Maybe I am looking for signs that things are going down the wrong path when they aren't because I didn't pay close enough to the red flags last time.

I don't want anyone to pity me! I was just having a bad weekend.

Calliope Jones said...

Fruit Taster- sorry for the snark. I am feeling a little better today after a long conversation. =) Hope all is well with you and yours.

Fruit Taster said...

Hey, no worries. Sounds like you needed a bit of a reset.