People (friends, boyfriend, mom..ect) they all dismiss them like you are being silly but you aren't. They are real fears based on real experiences ripped from chapters of your life. It is how you feel but they are quickly dismissed like you are just being insecure. What is so insecure about the FACT that things do not always go as planned or hoped?
All those old fears seep in filling my head like an octopus releasing its ink. It clouds the brain and makes everything muddy, black, dark! What if he wants out? What if he has lost interest? What if I gain to much weight and he no longer desires me? What if...... My head swims with the what ifs slowly stifling my love and overwhelming fear replacing it.
Looking at my couch and my things I start wondering if I would be better off just leaving things as they are. Stop planning for a future that may or may not ever come. The problem with this is it changes you. Your attitude towards people. When you accept the statuesque something in you dies and the way you see things change which in turn changes you. I like my life the way it is, until I don't. Meaning I like that he comes over and stays and I miss being a wife and taking care of someone until the fear creeps in.
He has started talking about moving into the house now that the floors and painting are near done. This means he will be spending less time here and more time at his own house. I start to wonder if this feels more like a step back then a step forward. That he will see that single life with some ass on the side is the way to go. Someone who cooks for him on the nights he decides to come over and stays but the rest of the time the ability to blow in and out as he sees fit. (To be fair to him he does not seem like he plans to do this but it does not ease the fear in my head.)
In my marriage I did not say these things aloud all the time because they were dismissed as being stupid but this blog has provided me the space to write my feelings, my concerns, a true window into my psyche, a way to see the things that are not always easy to say out loud but nonetheless are felt.
So here I sit wishing to speak but not being able to find my voice. The rare opportunity to see the inner workings of what makes up me but never giving those I love a chance to look behind the curtain.