Last night a friend made a bold statement making me reflect and ponder: "When does giving in become giving up?"
Completely beaten down he declared he no longer was going to ask for sex, expect it or even want it. That if him and his wife engaged in the act then they did and if not he was going to just accept that was what his marriage had become.
With clarity I remember reaching that frustrated and defeated point with my ex. The more I longed for intimacy the more he withdrew and resented me. There was this insistent seductive tug of denial that it would not always be this way. I thought I could give in to keep the peace, learn to be grateful for when he did want me because after all at least every now and then he did.
It took awhile for me to realize I was not compromising or giving in to his wishes but that I was being asked to silence an immutable part of who I am. I deserved to be loved wholly and fully and giving up and accepting what he gave me was accepting less then what I deserved.
I was not just trying to appease him but to learn to conform more to what his idea of a wife should be. I gave in to his way of thinking because I did not want to lose him or all that we had but with every passing day that my needs and desires were quieted the more I disappeared.
Another friend separated from his wife about a year ago for reasons I am unsure of, but recently I found out he had moved back in. When I asked if things had gotten better he responded not really but she was threatening to move out of state with his children. He moved back for his kids which I can understand and respect but how awful to be manipulated back in to a situation that he had obviously left for a reason.
The sacrifice of your own happiness for another eventually wears on a person. There is only so much one can take before they break, snap, or disappear. Giving in to these kinds of extremes is beyond trying to compromise but should be classified as giving up.
Accepting less then what you deserve in the long run will not make anyone happy, you are simply squandering your life away and theirs.