Obsessed

I require you to be near
Breathe in your scent
Lust, desire, need
Intoxication of you
The sweetest drug
You make me wanton!
I do not wish to crash
Like a junkie, Obsessed
How do I let go?
Put you out of my mind
Maybe a quick fix.....
I will try to quit tomorrow

Perceptions

In a previous post I wrote about The Art Of Intimacy. My intentions when I wrote the piece was to remind couples to notice the small things; however what I failed to realize was the perception of what one person believes is an intimate act may not be perceived as intimate by another. This raised an interesting question; how can I expect my partner to know that engaging in these acts show trust or that they should be viewed as an honor if their perception varies from mine?

Lighting a few candles and allowing the hot water to melt the stress away is divine after a long day. No matter if it is the beginning of the day and I am getting ready for work or it is the end of the day; washing my hair, shaving and soaping up every inch of my body is a very private act.

When I choose to shower with someone I am inviting them into my quiet hiding place. It is an extremely intimate act that has nothing or very little to do with sex or being sexy but more of a way to get lost in each other for a few moments of every day.

I know in that twenty or thirty minutes I have your undivided attention. The world cannot touch us. No emails to check, phones ringing, clients demanding attention, kids wanting something, it is just you and me and the hot water cascading around us. I am asking you to share my space, my private time and tell me about your day.

The idea of sleeping next to someone, lying in their arms, and waking up beside them to me is more intimate then sex. To let your guard down and trust that person enough to sleep next to them, to know you will wake looking nothing like when you went to bed. Knowing that you may snore, kick, talk in your sleep, sweat, or god forbid fart while sleeping next to this person, (to me the idea of embarrassing myself is mortifying) so this act is reserved for someone very important to me.

I am not prone to turning on the "water works" to get my way. I would rather take a beating or my punishment whatever that may be than have someone see me be vulnerable and cry. I do not ever like looking weak in front of anyone. Not my friends, my family, my kids, my co-workers, not anyone so if you see me tear up or cry to me that should speak volumes about how I feel about you as a person.

Intimacy is so much deeper then just lowering your inhibitions with someone. Regardless if it dancing or something sexual there is the risk that they will think you are foolish or freaky. There is the risk of being judged by someone you trust and care about which is why if I do lower my guard an engage in some of these things that I hold sacred it is a big freakin deal.

Each person has their own set of preconceived ideas of what is intimate and sacred, I would love to know your thoughts and add to my list. I have several more but.... you know some things I don't share easily.

Savior vs. Saved

It is crazy ironic how calling Parker out, and then talking to Jack about the "Savior Complex" made me realize something about my own MO. If I have said it once I have typed it or spouted it off a thousand times, I DO NOT need to be saved or rescued. If I don't fall in to the needing to be "Saved" then by default do I fall under "Savior?"

This was actually quite a revelation because I never considered myself as a "savior" or one who needed "saving." I want to be strong, brave, and stand on my own two feet, so who am I trying to save?

There are numerous people in my life that are fragile, weak, must be handled with kid gloves. They are broken in some way, emotionally messed up, incapable of standing up for themselves or need someone who is stronger than they are to guide them.

Even in my youth I found those that needed "saving" or they found me. I find myself wanting to instill in them the qualities that I value and feel are important. To let them know they deserve more, they can ask for better, that they can be courageous. I naively wanted to right wrongs.

I surround myself with people, men in particular that are emotionally unavailable. After a really wonderful weekend with Jack, I was hit square in the face with the reality, with his trust depleted he is utterly emotionally unavailable. I was not the one he wished he was with but a person that filled the void. I was a band-aid to a pain he has not yet processed. It would not matter the level of friendship I may or may not be looking for, he is reluctant to see the potential.

The sad thing is; Parker, GI-Joe and even my ex fall into the same category. Somehow I must think I can change them, fix them, make them all better. I want them to see what I see in them, the potential for greatness. They are not capable, not ready or are unwilling to share their thoughts or life.

They stay guarded, refuse to trust or take risks. They have become jaded by wrongs and have detached themselves from connecting with people to avoid getting hurt. If you do not care, if you don't get attached then you are completely safe in your isolation.

Am I trying to save them by letting my strength and determination rub off on them? Helping someone, seeing them change and evolve into a stronger person makes me feel like I am making a difference, that if every person is the main character in their own story that I am the best supporting actress I can be. Make them trust, demand change, expect better, or learn to stand on their own.

Perhaps it is not completely altruistic, but a way to make a mark in a world that is bigger than me!
Meeting at a time of torment
A tortured past we can not circumvent
Will I be punished for her mistake
Cradled in your arms I shake
Minutes tick by, my mind floods with doubt
You said stay until the sun comes out
Let go and trust, I long to stay
A ferment of emotions, my resolve begins to fray
Wishing I was her, of that I am fully aware
Not being enough, more then I can bear

O-livia or O-liver??

The time had finally come, it was time for me to replace B.O.B. I really had no reason or justification for waiting so long to replace him but it took me almost four months to do so. I perused several websites and manufactures before deciding I just had to have the LELO-Liv. I ordered it on Sunday from http://www.edenfantasys.com and it arrived on Thursday.

I felt myself get a little giddy when I spotted it sitting on my door step. I was meeting a girlfriend for drinks but I knew if I made haste, it could charge while I was out. Quickly I ran upstairs to the bedroom. As I placed it on the charger I admired the craftsmanship of the Liv.

Navy blue is my favorite color so I was really digging the shape as well as the color. Having high expectations for my new toy I am torn on the name. I like O-Livia or O-Liver. Thoughts? Perhaps it will depend on where my fantasies take me at the moment of use. Finally home I stripped out of my clothes and slipped between my sheets without procrastination. Turning the Liv on I played with the settings for only a minute or two before I cranked it to the most powerful setting. You can customize your experience by cycling through five patterns: steady vibration, 3 escalating pulses, an up-and-down vibration mode and 7 power settings.

After my disappointment with Paul & Paulina I could not risk the Liv not being powerful enough and I was not disappointed. The Liv superseded my expectations and I came promptly. When I just want to "jump" I like the #7. It gets you to the happy place very quickly. I have not slowed down enough to try all the various combinations but I am excited at the possibilities.

Final thoughts: The fact that this toy is rechargeable is one of the reasons I love it so much, but the other reason is that the charger is compatible with other LELO toys. I am fond of the Fun Factory brand, however I was not impressed with the last toy I bought from them. It was not nearly powerful enough and eats batteries to quickly. I had a very different and much more pleasurable experience with the LIV from LELO.


Side Note: My reviews are simply my view. I am not tied to any manufactures, so my opinions are solely how I feel about the toy I am reviewing. Hope you find the review helpful, one way or another.

Info: LELO is a Swedish sex life accessory label with a distinct design philosophy and brand profile. Their pleasure objects breathe an air of simplicity, sensuality and sophistication. Their official site is http://en.lelo.com Since they are based over seas if you are State side you will want to look at websites such as: http://www.edenfantasys.com or http://www.babeland.com

Dimensions:
Length: 6.8
Width: 1.2
Weight: 3.2 ounces
Materials: phthalate-free silicone
Five pre-programmed pleasure modes
Seven powerful settings
A virtually silent engine
Rechargeable- a 2 hour charge will provide up to 1.5 hours of bliss.
Comes presented in an elegant gift box, accessorised with charger, manual, satin pouch and a 1-year LELO warranty.

Thoughts & Opinions

I was on a roll this week. I kinda laid in to everyone around me. I took it upon myself to point out flaws and weaknesses despite it may not/was not my place to do so. It made me wonder; do I too freely give away my thoughts and opinions?

For those that know me best it is a quality that can be annoying but it also is a characteristic that is respected. I give tough love, I state truths that you often know but are unwilling to face or accept. I get in your face and challenge you, I make you think. At the root of it that is who I am.

I was talking to a Parker yesterday and I kinda let him have it. My opinion was most likely one sided and very bias, however it was the way I saw it. Like it or not he asked for me to explain so I did. Considering I was harsh I felt he took all of what I said well. He disagreed on some things and conceded on others.

I want the people in my life that truly matter to me to be stronger, be braver, demand better, ask for more, believe they deserve the best. I guess I try to much to make people be like me.

I want to let the good things cultivate and harvest in my soul. I want them to be the building blocks of making a better me. I guess I want the same for the people I really care about.

The Four Horseman of the Marital Apocalypse

Part Two

In a previous post I discussed the first two Horsemen; criticism and defensiveness. Here are the last two Horsemen: stonewalling and contempt.

Stonewalling or with-drawling:Stonewalling is more common in men than in women. The stonewaller tends to ignore his partner and does not give any signs of responsiveness, this usually only makes his spouse even angrier. This behavior tends to enter marriages long after the honeymoon stage. It is a false way to “keep the peace.”

I know with my ex, the more he withdrew, the more he stonewalled, the more he denied there were problems, the more hurt and angry I became. I began to feel like there wasn’t any passion left. I could not get him to make love to me but even worse he could not muster up enough passion and heat to fight with me. It was like he accepted defeat, waved the white flag but forgot to tell me.

I think we both ended up with-drawling. We got comfortable in our exit strategies and took comfort in them. He would watch sports or play xbox. He seemed to always be working or on the phone about work. I would read or write, watch tv in the other room or play with the kids. Soon we kept in close proximity because it was expected. I wanted to be near him but at the same time I resented him for not giving me what I needed.

I can only speculate that perhaps he to felt the same way. That he loved me and wanted to be near but the the wounds inflicted by each other would creep into the consciousness and contempt and discord grew.

Contempt: Contempt is a feeling of disdain or scorn, an open disrespect or willful disobedience. Contempt attacks your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him/her. Contempt can include; insults or name calling, hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery. As well as contemptuous body language and tone of voice: sneering, rolling your eyes or curling your upper lip.

I am sure my ex would proclaim loudly that I used this horseman on a regular basis, mind you not always just when it came to communicating issues. He was forever telling me that with the educational background in relationships I had, that I tended to talk down to him. He of course would say this as he rolled his eyes at me like he was a teenager being disciplined.

Have you ever seen the movie; Saving Silverman? My ex would always joke that he felt like he was, “In therapy with Judith.” Like he was being counseled by a one sided biases that had an agenda. Knowing what I know simply meant I was more keyed into the signs that things were going sideways but he refused to hear or see. I would get so frustrated at his refusal that there were issues that needed to be addressed.

I think I did become very contemptuous towards the end. I was tired! I was tired of not being heard. I was tired of not being seen. I was tired of feeling like I was the only one who cared if the marriage worked or not. I was tired of not being taken seriously. I was exhausted at the end. My heart was tattered and torn. I was unsure how to keep going. The more I pressed for us to seek help the more he kept stonewalling and denying there were issues at all.

Finally when faced on the side of the road with proof staring right into his face there was no more room for denial, just volatile contempt from both of us. I think years of issues that had never been addressed spilled forth. Things I never knew even bothered him because he would not utter a word but hold it all in.

My contempt had an outward presence where as I think his was guarded and held on tightly within himself. Both ended up being equally damaging. To me it is so devastating to know that there was a way to fix things. I did not want to throw away twelve years of marriage. We had survived so much; moves across the country, ups and downs, kids, mortgage, and even job loss. To me, there was a lot of good still left to rebuild on but you cannot make the other person do it if their will and heart are not in it.

I hope Gottman's Four Horsemen have given you some insight in to your relationship. With new found respect for each other and the help of a counselor your marriage is salvageable. The biggest factor in turning things around is; a genuine willingness to work towards a resolution. Both parties have to be willing to be raw and honest with each other because a partnership or a marriage takes work. It is a constant work in progress. You never stop growing or learning or evolving, when you do there is only atrophy and death.

Try a few of the following tips to help stay on point and communicate what you are feeling in a more positive way.

1.Learn to make specific complaints and requests. When X happened, I felt Y, I want/need Z.
2. Learn to communicate consciously by speaking the unarguable truth.
3. Learn to listen generously, listen for accuracy, and with empathy. Listen for what your partner really wants.
4. Validate your partner. Let your partner know what makes sense to you about what they are saying; let them know you understand what they are feeling, see through their eyes.
5. Shift to appreciation. (5 positive interactions are necessary to compensate for one negative interaction)
6. Claim responsibility: “What can I learn from this?” & “What can I do about it?”
7. Re-write your inner script. Notice when you are thinking critical, contemptuous or defensive thoughts.
8. Practice getting undefended; allowing your partner’s utterances to be what they really are: just thoughts and puffs of air and let go of the stories/exaggerations that you are making up.

References:

Gottman, John M. The Marriage Clinic, NY: WW Norton & Company; 1999.

Canary D., Cody M., & Manusov V. Interpersonal Communication: A Goals-Based Approach, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s; 2003.

Replacing an Old and Dear Friend

It has been three months since B.O.B passed away. There has been several things that have happened in the last few months that have messed with my sex drive but I am ready to start fresh.

I am finally replacing B.O.B. ;) I was not happy with Paul and Paulina so I am hoping my new one will hit the spot. At this time I am not trying another Fun Factory Toy, however I do have a few of their toys still on my wish list.

My new toy should be here by July 10th. When it arrives, after I have had time to try it out, I will do a sex toy review.

I have to say I am excited.

The Art Of Intimacy

Communication – This means you actually need to talk to each other.
After we have been with someone for a long time we figure they have heard all our stories and we really have nothing interesting to say. To many couples find themselves sitting in the same room to keep in close proximity but are in total silence.

Communication takes work and sometimes there isn't anything really new to talk about but find something to say. Talk about everything and anything. The day to day stuff, work, the kids, your fears, your hopes and dreams, your concerns, your needs. Once silence envelops you it is hard to go back.

Listen and be present – Listen with intent and sincere interest. Be present and do not use exit strategies to avoid interaction.

More often than not we are only partially listening. It does not matter if it is the boss, a friend, our children or our partner; we tend to tune people out. We think we know what they are going to say, figure we have heard the same speech before, or we our mounting our defense in our head because we feel attacked.

Exit strategies are the things we "have to do" excuses to avoid interaction and being present with our partner ie; working, reading, computer, kids, tv, gaming systems, ect....

Be kind to each other- Use kind language and choose your words carefully as to not inflict pain upon each other. Do not say things in anger that you will later end up regretting and apologizing for. They may forgive you but the wound(s) inflicted will remain.

Remember to say thank you and complement each other. Don't be neglectful of each other or forget that the other person’s time is equally valuable. They are stressed out, over worked and underappreciated as well. Take the time to ease the others burden in the small ways that make a huge difference.

Be grateful – Doing the laundry, working long hours, cooking a meal or taking out the trash are all things that should still be thought of as things done out of love. Don't forget to say thank-you.

Remember being with each other is not out of obligation but should be out of mutual desire to share in each other’s lives. When one does something as small as making sure the car has gas for you, remember it was one less thing you had to worry about. Take notice, say thank you and reciprocate.

Believe in each other – We should want the best for our partner. We should remind them of their worth and encourage them to keep reaching for the stars. Support each other’s goals and dreams. Never let them stop believing.

Play together – This is one of my favorites. I married young so we always kept that young playful tone. I don't think we really lost it until the last few years we were together.

Do things together that are fun and playful. Keep your child like enthusiasm for life and keep the newness of your relationship no matter how long you have been together. Treat each other like new lovers. Surprise each other and break the routine of day to day life. Do the things you would do to impress a lover.

Be intimate – It is ok to be vulnerable with your partner. Let your guard down and trust. Be intimate in your conversations, physically, intellectually, completely.

You Learn




I was talking to a friend yesterday and asked him how he was doing. He is twenty years old and for the last two years been seeing a woman nearly twenty years his senior. They broke up a couple of months ago and he is trying to figure out his place in the world and how to date people his own age.

I was trying to explain to him that you never stop learning, growing, evolving. You get one shot at this life and it is what you make of it. I told him all the things people need to hear after getting their heart broken. Even though they have heard all those things before sometimes we just need to be reassured.

This got me thinking about the men that have come in and out of my life. From each one I have learned something new about my self and about relationships. From my EX I learned about true friendship. I learned about myself and coming into my own sexuality. We grew in to adulthood through trial and error. We faced hardships together, ups and downs, money issues, job loss, moves across the country and how to be the best parents we could be. I also learned it was ok to ask for more, to feel like I deserved more then being cast in the shadows and ignored.

From Parker I learned what it was to be kissed passionately. To truly understand lust and all that it entails. To have those butterflies in your stomach and how a simple touch can make your skin feel on fire. To become weak in the knees and over whelmed by desire. I also learned that desiring someone and being desired by them is wonderful but there has to be more then just lust.

From GI-Joe I learned to like my body a little bit more just the way it is. That my own perceived flaws may not be perceived as flaws by someone else. I learned that while I was not looking for anything serious, that what I had with him was to-too casual. Sex can be just sex but it is even better when you are invested, even just a little. I want to be "seen" I am a person, an amazing person at that. I am not asking for you to fall in love with me but to at least "see" me as a person that has their own story, scars and casualties. I learned that you can fill up the void but without sincere interest it begins to feel hollow.

From The Chef I am learning what it is to be spoiled and taken care of in the small little ways. That it is ok to lean on someone. I am finding out that letting someone else make the decisions for a change is nice. Something as simple as where to eat or what bottle of wine we are having. To have someone adore you and dote on you. To have someone care about your passions and interests and want to hear your stories with fresh ears. To have great conversation that is effortless. To be around someone for the soul reason that being around them feels good.

Every day we learn and evolve. The choices are not always easy but we learn. Every tear shed, every love lost, every scream that tears from our throat, with every good-bye we learn.

I have no doubt that I will have several more good-byes but I plan to keep learning from each one.