The Mature High Road-Not as fulfilling as I thought!

Have you ever had a disagreement, a fight where you lashed out and said things you really didn't mean but in the moment it felt great, and then later you regret it?

Well this is not that moment!

Instead I took the high road and in the moment it felt right. I wanted to be mature. I wanted to show him that you can be honest and tell someone how you feel with out being hurtful. But now, now I feel like I let him off way to easy and I am pissed.

Sometimes I think being who I am can actually hinder me. Having the educational background into the human condition means, sometimes I over think situations. It also means I rationalize out how the other person feels and therefore let them off the hook far easier then they should be.

Parker and I hashed out a "misunderstanding." He lied to me and mislead me. He made promises he never intended to keep, blew me off like I didn't matter and countless other thoughtless transgressions.

Yet, somehow at the end of the conversation he didn't have to take any real responsibility for what he did. I used all the "tools" in the communication tool box. I used "I" statements and said this is how "I" saw it from my perspective and he said he understood and he was sorry.

I told him he had to have known there would be some back lash to the situation given how I was treated. He said of course because that is my "style" meaning I am bold, forward and honest to a fault. I never once said some of the things I wanted to say.

I was proud of myself considering the depth of the betrayal I felt. My words can be like barb wire if that is how I choose to use them, but I try to do right, fight fair. I wanted to attack him as a person and let him know how unflattering those characteristics are and he is SOOOO not as attractive as I once thought, but I chose to refrain.

So the moral is; I took the high road. I was mature and let him off the hook and now I wish I had unleashed some of the venom I was feeling. He said it was difficult to tell me how he felt because he didn't want to hurt me, yet I kept asking him if he didn't feel the same way about me as I did him, I would rather know the truth sooner rather then later. How hard is it to BE HONEST, I mean damn!

I wanted to say: WHAT A COWARD..... Instead I said:

"While my feelings were hurt nothing I said to you was done in a hurtful way. I was honest and told you how I felt but never once did I attack you, your character, or your actions. I simply stated how I felt. That is how honesty is done in a mature way. While there was back lash I NEVER ONCE lash out at you."


GRRRRRRRR.....Sometimes I need to be a little more heartless and fight less fair. I mean my ex cheated on me and he got the 55' big screen tv and all the livingroom furniture because I wanted to be fair.

5 comments:

Fruit Taster said...

I'm very sorry to hear about this problem with Parker. I hope you can work this out in a way that works for you.

Words can be powerful and I know how good it can feel to use them in lashing out at someone who caused us pain. However that's just a way to feel better on the spot, but not in the long run. It's OK to feel hurt. Saying something mean back might help you not feel hurt, at least momentarily, but pain is a better teacher than spite.

It's OK to let the pain affect you. I think it's actually healthier to remain open to the impact that others have on you. Don't harden yourself. Resisting the temptation to become harsh is a more effective way to be a stronger person than to lash out at somebody.

Calliope said...

I love words so I know how to use them to inflict pain. How to make a cut and then how to keep it open and oozing, so I try to use my powers for good and not evil ;)

The satisfaction I would have felt would have been transitory and I would have regretted it immediately. I care for him more then I should so I didn't want to be cruel.

Also lashing out would negate my point to him that, you can be honest and forth coming in a way that is not hurtful.

cjn said...

Knowing you personally, I know how much emphasis you place on words. You are a woman who knows how to speak. You chose your vocabulary very carefully and put a lot of thought into each remark you chose to make.

Though the “mature high road” is not as fulfilling immediately, you are so right, later when the wound is not so fresh and the disappointment not so new, you will be thankful that you left this situation by being respectful, honest and thoughtful. Parker certainly left the door open for rude and bitter comments by lying and misleading you, but you my friend took door number two and for that I am proud of you. Your reward is not instant, but rather it is imbedded in your heart and you can smile within knowing, you did the right thing…. all along.

Anonymous said...

sometimes words are like toothpaste, once said you cannot take them back, so the high road is always the right choice even though it pisses us off to no end. Grace and the humility to stand our ground and not be the coward or even be the the one who turns the other cheek is true wisdom and maturity-leading to the High Road and allowing for growth and gaining power; knowledge is power for the next time.

Calliope said...

Anonymous,

Do I know you in the “real world” because my family uses the “toothpaste” analogy all the time? In college when speaking to people and couples I would use this phrase because it adequately describes how words can inflict pain that cannot be undone. Once you squeeze the toothpaste out it cannot be put back. You can apologize but the wound inflict will always remain.

I know taking the high road was the right thing to do. I do not always say the right things but I do try to always do the right thing. It isn’t always easy and sometimes it is not as gratifying as it should be given the fact it is the right thing. I know in the long run I will be glad I did not lash out even though he really did have a good lashing coming to him.