Well it has been a little over a month since I went on the cruise with my ex and my children. There were a few moments where things were tense and feelings of inadequacy came up, but over all we had fun.
There were times when I felt like I was never enough! Not good enough, not thin enough, not witty enough, not tolerant enough. Just over all not enough. Like I was forever disappointing him.
What I have to realize is he didn't necessarily "make" me feel this way, this is how I felt. It was my interpretation of the closure to our marriage, but now I find myself struggling to find my swag back. To feel good enough again. I feel stuck!
I am unwilling to let my guard down. I know this is a normal reaction, but I feel like, since I know better I should be able to rise above it. I haven't wanted to talk to anyone lately. I haven't even felt inspired to write. I think I am heading into a funk and I am unsure how to climb out of it.
I am not necessarily sad or unhappy but I do know I am not feeling joy the way I use to. Even in the middle of all my drama over this last year, I still always found the silver lining, I always found my joy.
I have lost my joy and my desire to speak.