Feeling Anti-Social

Well it has been a little over a month since I went on the cruise with my ex and my children. There were a few moments where things were tense and feelings of inadequacy came up, but over all we had fun.

There were times when I felt like I was never enough! Not good enough, not thin enough, not witty enough, not tolerant enough. Just over all not enough. Like I was forever disappointing him.

What I have to realize is he didn't necessarily "make" me feel this way, this is how I felt. It was my interpretation of the closure to our marriage, but now I find myself struggling to find my swag back. To feel good enough again. I feel stuck!

I am unwilling to let my guard down. I know this is a normal reaction, but I feel like, since I know better I should be able to rise above it. I haven't wanted to talk to anyone lately. I haven't even felt inspired to write. I think I am heading into a funk and I am unsure how to climb out of it.

I am not necessarily sad or unhappy but I do know I am not feeling joy the way I use to. Even in the middle of all my drama over this last year, I still always found the silver lining, I always found my joy.

I have lost my joy and my desire to speak.

6 comments:

Toby said...

Have you really lost anything. Or have you not just let it go. It is easy to hold on to the past when you have the fear of the future before you. Sometimes the simple act of just letting it happen will get you were you neeed to be in this life. You just need to trust yourself.

cjn said...

I wish I could find the words to say.... but I cannot.... I wish I could make it all go away, make it stop.... I wish I could erase the downpour he left on your soul, I wish I could do something to give you back control.... but this is a personal battle, within your own heart.... the best I, or anyone else can do, is keep our doors open and let you know over and again that you are an amazing woman and that we love you....

Fruit Taster said...

At the risk of saying things that aren't accurate or that may open sensitive doors in you, it feels to me reading this that you're a woman who tends to jump into things head first. And it's a Good Thing too, because you're able to ride the wave of life as it happens. But it also means you feel the bumps on the road more accutely than other people. You're like my wife that way: you're a creature of the heart. And that's very good.

Your spunk and your liveliness is contagious and I hate to see your energy being channeled into negative thoughts, especially when you know yourself that you are damn well good enough. In fact, you're so good that your friendship and your writings have been inspiring me and have been important to me.

Feeling anti-social is a normal reaction to this kind of thing. But it's good you wrote about it. Anything to break the cycle of self-beating is good. Keep trying and you will find that spark that will light up your passion again.

Calliope said...

Toby,

I have lost much! I have history with him. He very well may be my past, but for longer then not he was meant to be my future. I will admit I am slightly afraid of a future that is suddenly unwritten.

I am a woman whom knows what she wants, therefore a certain amount of my future was written, predetermined and now it now longer is. I know I need to move forward. I know I need to let go. I am getting there but it is hard to let 13 years with someone just "go".

You are right, I need to trust myself. Trust that I made the right decision. Trust that I can do this. Trust that everything has a reason a purpose. Even if I don’t always understand it, things have a way of falling into place.

Thank you for reading my blog and commenting. I look forward to many more thoughts from you ;)

CJN,

Thank you for always being there for me. I know you are always just a phone call away.


Fruit Taster,

I do tend to jump head/feet first. I take giant leaps of faith. I do so, on fairly regular basis as that is my personality. I also believe is does cause me to feel things very deeply and acutely. I get things stuck in my head about how they will play out and then I am acutely disappointed when they don’t happen as I thought.

As to my spunk and liveliness, that has gotten me in to trouble on numerous occasions, but that won’t be changing regardless of the out come.

Thank you for all your encouraging words. You inspire me as well. I like to be challenged and made to think things through and you help make me do that. ;)

Big Geek said...

"I am not necessarily sad or unhappy but I do know I am not feeling joy the way I use to."

I know just where you are residing... or at least I feel the same way...

Fruit Taster said...

@Calliope That is a blog post within a blog post! You hit it on the head right there. So many years of making plans; it's normal that it takes a bit of time to unwind. It sounds like you see things so clearly though. I think you're on the right track for sure.