Sex Drives

When one person in a couple has a different sexual drive then the other it feels kind of like you have a rock stuck in your shoe. It is uncomfortable, it is frustrating, and it is constant. It is not like it prevents you from walking, but its a constant reminder while you walk.

How important is similar sex drives? Can it break a relationship altogether or can a compromise be reached? My ex and I had very different sex drives and I took it as if he didn't want me, need me, desire me. This caused blistering gnawing pain to my soul beyond expression of words.

I then picked at the wound making it worse. The more I tried to make him talk about how I needed not only more sex but more intimacy, the more he withdrew and punished me with silence and avoidance.

As much as we tried to express our own personal view point I do not believe we ever achieved an understanding. I needed the desire to be reflected. I needed him to understand that while sex was a physical act of pleasure there was so much more that comes from the exchange, but to him it was a carnal need born of greed not desire.

He constantly saw my sexual desire for him as something selfish and greedy. Something that was carnal and had nothing to do with him. I don’t think he ever fully understood how much I loved him or desired him.

Even the way we viewed sex as a whole was different. I believe in love and sex but I also believe that sometimes sex can be just sex about pleasure. He did finally admit that he allowed some of his own hang ups get in the way of expressing his desire but unfortunately it was too little too late.

I sincerely hope in my next serious relationship the level of maturity and self revelation I believe I am gaining will help and not hinder it’s growth towards longevity.


cjn said...

Something so significant as differing sex drives can seem like a make or break of a relationship. But maybe, there is so much more to it than that. Really, it seems like the "sex" differential between you and your ex was an outward representation of some much deeper issues. Communication, respect and security.

I completely agree with you, sex is a very wonderful thing, but it should be so much more!! Especially within the confines of a marriage. What a way to communicate, to come together, to melt into the body of the one person in the world that is supposed to know and understand us better than anyone, the one person who is supposed to be unconditionally our mate.

I have much more to say, but I got to go, I will be back...... to be continued......

Anonymous said...

Im haveing the same kind of problem with her and i dont know what to do I wish we could change out our no good partners


Big Geek said...

This is what I was sort of getting to, in a less than direct way I suppose in some other post where my reply wasn't really relevant to the post but any way, so yes sex drives and proclivities are critical to match if either one has a sex drive or proclivities that are out of the ordinary. I think Sex is the one thing you can not pursue out side a married relationship without it is an open marriage and those are few and far between. In general you can pursue most any thing else in side a marriage but if you cant make your sex differences match or mesh or... then it can very much be a deal breaker.