This week has been a time of real self reflection due to the fact it was one year ago this Friday that I found my husband with another woman. That night my life changed. The very fabric of my soul was ripped in two. It wasn't that this man I loved cheated on me, it was my past took on a different tone and my future that had always consisted of him would no longer include him in the same way.
There were all these hopes and dreams that came crashing down all around me, drowning me from the inside out. I could not catch my breath and I was suffocating. It was as if my lungs had filled with fluid and my brain became foggy and could not process the images in front of me properly.
Everything I had believed had crumbled around me. My own self worth came in to question. How could someone who loves you be so devious and sneaky? This level of betrayal makes you question every move made by that person, searching for motive to things even in the past.
On the verge of wanting to give into the fluidness, allowing my organs to become a cornucopia of bloated, rotten flesh and cease to exist, anger took hold. It squeezed me like a vice forcing me to kick my way to the surface. Grasping to grab a hold of a breath, I spat out the fluid from my lungs and volatile anger poured forth.
I wonder if anger/wrath is "thee" emotion that pushes people forward when they are all but ready to give in, it made the list of deadly sins after all. For the most part anger has come and gone, grief and suffering lasted many months and now I am in the acceptance and moving forward stage. I am determined to find hope at the bottom of this barrel.
Looking back through my blog from it's inception until now you can see an invisible time line of happiness, desire, lust, grief, loss, anger, and the struggle for hope.
Thank you to those that truly "SEE" me for me.