Break Even

In a relationship is there one person that loves more than the other? I feel like in my thirteen year relationship I was the one that loved more.

Now please understand I am not saying he did not love me, I am simply saying I feel like I was the one that loved him more. I would have gone to any lengths to make him happy. His happiness was my own.

I could sit here and write examples of how I know I loved him more but to every one else those things are subjective, so I started looking at the relationships around me.

In almost every one of them I could clearly pick out the person that loved more deeply, more profoundly, more completely. They were lost in it, their desire for the person, their need to please, to be near them, to love them completely and wholly without question.

When it is over the one that loved more will inevitably be the one that hurts more.



Big Geek said...

I have no wise words to stop the bleeding but I do want to acknowledge your pain... and to assure you that you are not alone in this... not that makes things any kind of better... tonight

Anonymous said...

There is sadness in your writing lately. I hope you find your way through what you're currently going through. However I find your posts really thougthful and challenging, in a good way.

I read this post earlier today and I sat on it until tonight, wondering how to make sense of your observation. Because you're right, it's a really good question.

I thought of this: Maybe it's true that, at any given point in time, one loves more than the other, but over time it goes back and forth and it equals out in the end? Maybe it equals out over long periods of time, depending on the ups and downs of each partner, given that you have a healthy relationship?

I can say that in my relationship, we both have taken the other to task over the years for giving more than the other. It was at different times, but it was also for different reasons. I think we all have our specific ways of showing our love. For some it might be to bring home a paycheck and put bread on the table. For others it might be to hug and say I love you every day. In many ways I know that She does many little things for me that I'm not doing for Her and vice versa.

There was a book that was very popular years ago about "women who love too much." I've always strongly disliked this concept that someone could love too much. What does that mean? I cannot comprehend how loving someone so much could be turned into a bad thing.

As far as I see it, there is no upper limit on how much we can love someone. However we should make sure that our needs are met and that we are happy and not dependent on another person for our well-being. If you have a one-way relationship, it doesn't matter whether you love a little or a lot, it's still a one-way relationship and it still hurts.

cjn said...

I agree with everything you wrote. I often notice this with the people around me. The one looks at the other, the way one is always there cheering on the other, the way one can be crushed by a single word.... when all along the other seems indifferent to all of the above. Love is complicated and love is full of hurt, but in the end, is it really worth it?? Yes, I think so.

Lilian said...

This is something that has always been on my mind. But sometimes what we see is not always what is. I for sure can tell you that I think I am the one that loves more in my relationship, I think about him from the time I get up to the time I go to sleep. I even dream of him and think its not fair that even in a dream I cant experience some one else, and as you can see I tell myself that I love him so much so thoroughly that even my subconscience wont let me dream of another man. And so you see their is where I think I love him the most .
But I have caught myself being selfish at times.
As for him he does not like to show his feelings much, So I find myself asking him constantly if he loves me, He is a man contend on kissing me in the morning if he has time and when he comes home from work. Not much ehh but in great times of need when I find myself lost, he is the first one their for me , he is the one who always believes in me and never doubts me , he pushes for me to be the best that I can, cheers me on in whatever project big or small might cross my mind. I have seen him, his true self after each of the birth of our 3 children the way he can drop everything and just take care of us, love us and do it all with out complaint with a smile and his face and love in his eyes. This just remind me that its true on what they say that actions speak louder than words. And maybe just maybe its not all true when I tell him that I love him more than he loves me. Fruit Taster probably gave me and insight to a mans point a view and more to my husbands. Thanks.