So I watched Tyler Perry's "Why Did I Get Married?" and throughout the movie they make reference to the 80/20 rule. The premise of the rule is that in a marriage you will only get eighty percent of your needs met. How much is a need and how much is a want? Is the 80/20 rule a fair assessment of what is reasonable to expect from your marriage?
How can we met and even exceed the expectations of our partner when by default we (as humans) are selfish by nature? I have spent a lot of time over this last year reflecting on what went wrong. We got to the point where there was no drive to really want to spend time together, to be inseparable. We just were. Sometimes it felt like we kept in close proximity because that was what was expected.
We can easily get wrapped up in the living part of life; work, stress, bills, the daily grind that we forget to appreciate our spouse. Tell them they look beautiful or handsome. Say thank you for taking out the garbage. We allow our assumptions and expectations to become the norm that we forget to show gratitude for the small things. Years of this can often lead to resentment, hate, and disconnect to each other.
Is it better to stay where you are, only getting eighty percent of your needs met but at least you don't feel completely empty or is it better to grieve the loss of your relationship, heal and start over?
We allow outside factors contribute to the disconnect from our partner and our marriage. It can be work, stress, not feeling appreciated by our spouse, a new work person that we find attractive increasing our desire for something new.
I wrote a post about a year ago called "Filler Of Holes" where I discussed that it is an unreasonable expectation to think every need can be met by your partner but then the question is; how do we decide what are needs and what are wants?"
Perhaps the most important thing to learn is that re-accessing your relationship with more frequency may be more beneficial that bothersome. Often you see in movies and TV shows the "WHERE ARE WE? WHERE IS THIS GOING?" being mocked but perhaps there is value in it as a married couple. We need to check in with each other, ask...... "Is there something you need from me that I am not giving you?"
Even through everything I have experienced in the last year or two I cannot and do not want to believe that we can only get eighty percent of what we need from our partner. I want to believe that love is still good and pure and that someday I will find my equal.