Joseph Addison

Everything that is new or uncommon raises a pleasure in the imagination, because it fills the soul with an agreeable surprise, gratifies its curiosity, and gives it an idea of which it was not before possessed.

The 80/20 Rule

So I watched Tyler Perry's "Why Did I Get Married?" and throughout the movie they make reference to the 80/20 rule. The premise of the rule is that in a marriage you will only get eighty percent of your needs met. How much is a need and how much is a want? Is the 80/20 rule a fair assessment of what is reasonable to expect from your marriage?

How can we met and even exceed the expectations of our partner when by default we (as humans) are selfish by nature? I have spent a lot of time over this last year reflecting on what went wrong. We got to the point where there was no drive to really want to spend time together, to be inseparable. We just were. Sometimes it felt like we kept in close proximity because that was what was expected.

We can easily get wrapped up in the living part of life; work, stress, bills, the daily grind that we forget to appreciate our spouse. Tell them they look beautiful or handsome. Say thank you for taking out the garbage. We allow our assumptions and expectations to become the norm that we forget to show gratitude for the small things. Years of this can often lead to resentment, hate, and disconnect to each other.

Is it better to stay where you are, only getting eighty percent of your needs met but at least you don't feel completely empty or is it better to grieve the loss of your relationship, heal and start over?

We allow outside factors contribute to the disconnect from our partner and our marriage. It can be work, stress, not feeling appreciated by our spouse, a new work person that we find attractive increasing our desire for something new.

I wrote a post about a year ago called "Filler Of Holes" where I discussed that it is an unreasonable expectation to think every need can be met by your partner but then the question is; how do we decide what are needs and what are wants?"

Perhaps the most important thing to learn is that re-accessing your relationship with more frequency may be more beneficial that bothersome. Often you see in movies and TV shows the "WHERE ARE WE? WHERE IS THIS GOING?" being mocked but perhaps there is value in it as a married couple. We need to check in with each other, ask...... "Is there something you need from me that I am not giving you?"

Even through everything I have experienced in the last year or two I cannot and do not want to believe that we can only get eighty percent of what we need from our partner. I want to believe that love is still good and pure and that someday I will find my equal.

She Comes First

1) Lick her clit in circles. This is one of the best cunnilingus moves of all times. Place your tongue on either the left or right hand side of her clitoris. Then begin moving your tongue in circles around the clitoris only, either in a clockwise or anti-clockwise direction. This move is best used when she is fairly aroused and already close to cumming. Make sure that she doesn't trip over.

2) Stimulation with vacuum. This is a very powerful cunnilingus move and it should only be used when your girl is already very warmed up. Place your mouth over her clitoris and gently suck it in and out of your mouth, as if you are drinking from a straw. If she is close already this is dangerous because she could could start cumming sooner than you might want her to if she is not used to this sensation.

3) Write the ABC on her clit. This technique may sound funny, but it is also one of the best cunnilingus moves. Position your tongue either to the side or at the top of her clitoris and begin using it to draw your ABCs. You should also mix things up a little by drawing others things such as numbers and shapes. Unpredictability is the key to keep her guessing. Can you write the whole alphabet or do you have to stop to avoid an accident?

4) Massaging the g-spot and her clit at the same time. The g-spot is a small dime-to-quarter-sized bundle of sensitive nerves about 2 inches inside of the vaginal canal. To locate the g-spot, you can insert your index finger into her vaginal canal, with your palm facing upwards. Then use your finger to make a "come here" motion and that should pretty much do it. Sometimes, the g-spot may be further up the front wall. In this case, you can use your middle finger instead.

After you have found the g-spot, you need to use your finger to apply consistent pressure to it in order to make her feel the sensation. G-spot reacts to pressure, not touches. This will build her up slowly but once she hits the edge she would do anything for the mind blowing orgasm that technique is promising.

5) The best of. This final technique brings it all together. Start with a solid g-spot massage. Now, while you are stimulating her g-spot, you can try to stimulate her clitoris at the same time. Start off by using your hand to stroke it gently. It is good to start off with slow strokes and gradually increase the pace of it when you see that she is getting more warmed up.

When she is sufficiently warmed up, you can go down on her and apply the various cunnilingus tongue strokes on her, while still using your finger to stimulate her g-spot. Predictability is the key when it comes to cunnilingus. Vary your tongue strokes to make her guessing on the edge of orgasms. Try different things, but don't do anything surprising when she is on the edge, or she might be incapable to avoid having an orgasm.

This should give you a first idea. If you want to get the full picture when it comes to the female orgasm, there's no getting around the book She Comes First. It is a virtual encyclopedia of female pleasure, detailing dozens of tried-and-true techniques for satisfying a woman and illustrated step-by-step instructions to ensure success. Will you use this knowledge for pain or pleasure?

Author:Ian Kerner Ph.D. ..Content / Style / Audience
Publisher:Regan Books .Publication date:2004 year .ISBN:0060538252 ..Design
Format:Hardcover .Number of Pages:225 .Length:8 1/2" .Width:5 3/4"

Tiny Threads

Can love actually be unconditional? Like a spider web, the threads are thin and barely visible but they are always there. We all long to be loved and we want to believe that it can be done unconditionally, but I am unsure that love works that way.

Often in a relationship there are trade offs, compromises, conditions given in order to obtain what we as individuals want from others. Regardless of the relationship; child/parent, siblings, friends or a couple, all relationships are predicated on conditional love.

We learn in childhood what will gain the acceptance of our peers and the love and appreciation of those around us. With good behavior rewarded and negative behavior having consequences, we learn how to manipulate or behave correctly to get the desired response from others.

Unconditional love separates the individual from his or her behaviors. Giving or withholding acceptance based on another person's behavior is the essence of conditional love.

I want my sons to keep their room clean and they want to play on the computer so they must clean their room to have computer time. In no way am I saying that I would stop loving them because they have not cleaned their room but that they learn what gains my praise i.e. love.

Perhaps a child parent relationship is not the best example of conditional love. I know regardless of what they may or may not do, I will always love them. It is harder to walk away or give up on a parental kind of love but in a romantic relationship walking away may become easier.

A friend of mine was dating a woman whom did not care for him having a Myspace™ page. They argued several times over the content of the page and the numerous female friends that were on his page. She asked him to deactivate his account. He chose to do so, but this was a condition to the survival of their relationship.

I don't believe the condition was put that clearly, the choice was his but he knew in order to obtain her approval and to continue receiving her love that sacrifices must be made. Some may call this a compromise, a trade off but to a certain degree aren’t most compromises merely “conditions” we are willing to accept.

The best example of unconditional love that I can come up with is a puppy and an owner. If I have a new puppy he comes and greets me at the door and is excited to see me, he loves me and I love him. When that puppy tinkles on the floor I become irate knowing I have to clean it up and that the puppy needs to be punished and taught to not tinkle on my floor.

I begin training and modifying his behavior with reward and punishment in order for him to learn what will make me happy. The major difference between the puppy and me is a cognitive level of thinking and rational thought. The puppy will continue to love me and be excited to see me because it does not have cognitive thinking.

A human being can rationalize out what “conditions” they are willing to take before they take their love somewhere else. The puppy will stay. He will love me, greet me, and be excited to see me. Once you reach a level of cognitive reasoning love inevitably becomes conditional.

Please don't think I don't believe in love because I do, I just think we love with conditions. The threads are tiny and often barely visible. Most of the time the conditions are so inconsequential they don't even register as conditions but make no mistake they are there with the potential of breaking us completely.

All You Have To Do.............

Perhaps I am in the minority and I over think sex but it is because I love the act of it and all that it entails. What makes me absolutely crazy is all a guy has to do is show up, that's it! Being rain checked, blown off, or flat out stood up is disrespectful and irritating! I spend time and money to get prepared to see you the very least you can do is show up and fuck my brains out like promised!

When I know I am going to meet up with someone I take all the extra little steps to make sure that it will be wonderful. I have my toes done, I get the lady parts waxed, I shave my legs and arms, I spend a week or more making sure every inch of my skin has been properly lotioned so it will be soft like cashmere.

I methodically choose my outfit as well as making sure my bra and panty set is not one you have already seen me in. I make sure to select my perfume carefully so there is a hint of my scent but not over powering. There is a delicate balance to be maintained to smell good but not sickening sweet. I want my scent to linger on your skin after I have gone.

All these things take careful planing so when you make promises to make me scream and make my toes curl and my cunt spasm with pleasure you damn well better show up, after all it is all you have to do!

Bare Down There!

Since becoming a single mother I have had to cut expenses everywhere to stay afloat. I had to really look at my finances and see what was need and what was want.I thank God every day my kids are still impressed with Mac & Cheese and Top Roman as a meal.

The first thing to go was all the extra channels. No more Showtime, Cinamax, or even HBO. I hate that I will miss some of my favorite series like Tutors, True Blood, and Dexter, but sacrifices must be made and I can live without them. Needing to make more cuts the XM went, then the Internet for about a month so I could coerce Charter into a new package deal.

Vanity was the hardest; Proactive, Bare Minerals, manicures, pedicures and waxing.
The waxing of the lady parts; a need or a want? I figured no one was really enjoying all the effort and at $60.00 bucks a pop I could defiantly find a better use for that money, so I started shaving again and instantly regretted it.

After getting waxed for almost a year I had forgotten how much work is involved in shaving. All the skin irritation, the ingrown hairs and the shear inconvenience of the frequency needed to keep it up. I guess I could have let it go all native and wild down there but the mere thought was a turn off and that got me thinking; do guys like it well kept with some hair or do men nowadays prefer bare down there?

Talking it over with a few guy friends I got mixed reviews. The ones that were closer to my own age said bare down there, while I was shocked that this twenty-four year old said it needed to be a little wild down there. I know going bare down there became a big thing when I was in college and I am wondering if like anything else is the pendulum beginning to swing back the other way?

I polled 10 guys only 2 said wild, 5 trimmed or bare and the other 3 said bare all the way. I weighed out all the pros and cons and quickly decided something else would have to be cut. Regardless if anyone is getting to enjoy the effort I like it better waxed and pristine. I want my playground ready should someone decide to cum and play!

(Just a side thought.) I like a guy to be neat and tight down there. It doesn't need to be bare or waxed but neat and trimmed. It makes giving oral sex more pleasurable.

Five Innate Truths About Relationships

After much thought and debate I have concluded five innate truths about relationships; nothing is as simple as it seems and you will work harder than you ever imagined.

Truth number one: Instinctually we as humans suffer that gnarling and plaguing question, “Is the grass greener somewhere else?”

Over the years one comes to realize that we as individuals evolve as the situations in our lives change. Work, stress, bills, job relocations, children and even the merging of families can pull a couple in opposite directions. How you as a couple and as individuals choose to deal with these stressors will often determine the overall outcome of your relationship.

Within my own experience we stopped talking to each other and both of us began looking outside of our relationship to find the things we felt were lacking from each other. I would not say that I found the old adage to be true that the grass was in fact greener, but more so if we had both communicated our needs more effectively the outcome would have been much different.

Truth number two: Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together.

As a person who loves to debate and push for "truths" I very well may have pushed him over the edge one too many times. My deepest flaw is I can't leave things be. Does this equate to trying to get my way all the time? I want to know the truth no matter how badly it may sting. I want someone to just be open and free with what is really going through their mind.

Perhaps my flaw is that I do not want to stop until I feel like everything is said. As for him he preferred to give me my way and walk away to avoid the conflict which only infuriated me to new heights.

I did not want to be placated or “get my way”. I wanted to have a discussion that resulted in a conclusion that worked for both of us. He always made me feel like I bullied him into caving when sometimes I just wanted him to tell me NO!

Truth number three: A great marriage or partnership does not mean there will be NO conflict; it simply means a couple keeps trying to get it right.

When people say, "Marriage takes work," you assume "work" means being patient when he forgets to put down the toilet seat. In your naivete, you think that you will struggle to accommodate some annoying habit, when the reality is there is so much more you will have to work at than just accepting a bad habit.

I believe he often thought that a good relationship, a great marriage meant not fighting with me at all. Maybe the fight that seemed to erupt over the overflowing garbage can is really about feelings of under appreciation. When you fight, you don't just raise your voices; you raise real, sometimes buried, issues that challenge you to come to more clear understandings.

Truth number four: You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe even wake up madder).

A break in the action will help you figure out whether you are angry, hurt, or both. Giving yourself a little breather gives you time to pinpoint the exact source of your anger or hurt. For me it was the lack of appreciation that started to push me over the edge.

The "needs" you have at the beginning of your relationship will change the longer you are together and progress as a couple. What I "need(ed)" as a newlywed, young and naive will be different then what I need ten years into it with two kids, a mortgage, and a plate full of responsibilities.

Bringing me flowers when I was twenty-one may have fulfilled a need I had then, but putting the dishes away ten years into it may equate to the same kind of euphoria that bringing me flowers did. To me putting the dishes away (without my asking) may give me the extra ten minutes I need to finish something else, which shows you understand how pressed I feel for time. It shows in such a small way that you still "get me", you can read my needs before I even voice them, or perhaps care what my needs may be enough to take action without being asked.

Truth number five: You will realize that you can only change yourself.

Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness to change anything can sometimes feel overwhelming. When do we say enough is enough? When do we decide that there is no going back? That it is no longer enough to sustain us.

When we exist in just co-existence we mirror the actions of being a couple, but it isn't the same as being in a connected relationship where each person is giving and taking equally. You are roommates within the same space. You are sharing your space and time but you are not really there connecting, interfacing on an intimate level. It isn't enough to want the best for your partner. It is being invested in the outcome, to desire them and be joined. You want your partner to be able to relate to you, and you to them.

If you aren't getting or giving all you have to make the relationship balanced then what else is left to give? Neither person is happy. Both people are struggling with feeling stuck. Caught in a time warp between what they have, what they want, what they need, and eventually something has to give. No one person can make the whole relationship work. The most basic truth is that a relationship that works means both people must be equally committed.

Is there any surefire recipe for a successful relationship? Nope; hard work, persistence, love, and a whole lot of other stuff. Sometimes even when you do everything right, it can still be all wrong.