The Complicit Contract

I can lie to my friends and I can lie to my family and I can lie to those during my lunch break. I can put on a good show for those in the supermarket or my children or pretend really well when asked.

I can go about the mechanical replications and repetitions that mark my normal routine and to the outside observer I seem calm, collected, together, if not happy at the very least not miserable.

I can rearrange paintings, buy new candles, paint a wall and move everything to make it seem like he was never here. I can put one foot in front of the other, go to work, and contribute to society.

I can keep what's eating me alive concealed from the world because that is the complicit contract, isn’t it? Everyone has their own problems to worry about. Someone can always top mine, so hey, who am I to add to the collective angst?

My question is: When does it stop being so hard? So gut wrenching awful? When can putting one foot in front of the other become an easy task again. That smiling and responding, "I am good" becomes the truth again?


cjn said...

The days of dark shadows will stand strong until eventually you notice that they gradually seem to be there less and less.

Though you force a smile, for the "I'm good, thanks." moments, your heart begs for someone to say, "no really, how are you." You need desperately for someone to open a path for you to let lose and cry and scream and throw things. Your hope each day is for it to end so you can try again tomorrow to be strong and feel peace.

But I know you are strong and your are beautiful, inside and out!!! The big "D" word is only 7 letters, but Dannielle is 9, you can beat this!!!!

Though you are broken inside, time will heal your weakened spirit and people who really love you will see through the "complicit contract" and know you really aren't "good" and probably won't be for quite some time.

I love you and I am proud of you for who you are and what you stand for every day. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

I remember the first time I met you. It was like looking at the sun - you were full of this strength (literally and in your spirit) and this overwhelming brightness and passion. Well - the truth is - you were (and are) truely unique. My hope and prayer today is that you don't let your current trials rob you of that which is you. Don't let this crush joy and passion from your heart.

Big Geek said...

words are powerful things some times. They can often lead the way. "I feel Fabulous" even if you feel like crap. Some times it a case of fake it till you make it and forgive your self if you fall.

I wish I had something more profound.