A Chemical Reaction

Thinking I was being bold and in control, I was audacious in my idiocy. Desperately wanting to believe there was some ounce of control I had in the chaos my life had become, I chose you to be my Paramour. Make no mistake it was my choice.

My pursuit of you was never timid. My persuasion quite easy. You wanted me as much as I wanted you. I planned to have you and have you I did. It was for far briefer of a time then I wished and you were not the lover I had hoped you would be, but in those brief hours being with you was a gift I shall not soon forget.

Your eyes so enigmatic they can pierce me even through a memory. I can close my eyes and your image is burnt to the inside of my eye lids. All the feelings come rushing back like flood waters spilling over a levy. The lust I felt for you was real and the chemistry between us a chemical reaction waiting to explode into a glorious disaster.

Standing near you made my pulse race. The mere smell of you was intoxicating, easily bringing me to my knees. Neurons firing off messages in my brain telling my body that I needed your touch. I needed to feel the gentle pressure of your lips. Your tongue dancing with mine. Your kisses were the best I have ever had.

A growing necessity to feel that kiss turn from a light touch to an aggressive need. Your fingers nimbly undoing the teal sash at my side so you could slip your hands around my waist. Finding our way across the room and up against the wall. Feeling you lift my legs up to meet you. A hunger between both of us that must be fulfilled.

You seemed so perfect in theory; a play thing, a toy at my disposal to make me feel better, after all that was the role of a Paramour. In my attempt to assure you I would not be hurt by this arrangement that this is what I wanted, I inadvertently gave you permission to disrespect me. You would blow me off and dismiss me as if I did not matter because in fact I did not matter.

I must tell you I am sad to see it's end but from this; a growth, a learning experience I have gained. Oh... how I miss your kiss and your touch.


cjn said...

Paramour: an illicit lover

Illicit: disapproved of or not permitted for moral or ethical reasons

Lover: a person who has a sexual or romantic relationship with another.

Okay, so tell me where it says in the definition of Paramour that one is not to be emotionally tied to the subject. When experiencing or sharing such strong physical attraction and partaking in sexual activities with another human being, how can we truly be left with nothing? How can we expect the feelings to never be anything more than a pure sexual need, gratified? This is a mystery to me as I see a common bond, though not a trust, or a love, or even an agreement, but I do see a responsibility.

A responsibility to the lover and from the lover to be forthright and honest..... What has happened here is more than just an empty memory of a physical relationship, there is, there has to be, some kind of emotional tying that took place...

So there you go, the debate is on.... lol...

I love the way you write and always enjoy reading your words!

Calliope said...

Was I emotionally tied to him, perhaps? I knew who he was, what he was looking for and what he did not want. It was never just an agreement to me. I liked him and I would even go as far as saying he was amazing, but again I met him at a time of chaos, for both of us.

He did not want drama and I did not want complications so I thought this was a sweetheart of a deal for both parties. I am not cold because I can disconnect the feeling of longing for more or an emotional connection to just sex. For me, right now, it is the reality of the situation.

The chemistry was unbelievable, however if you don't spend any time with the person that you have this "brilliant" chemistry with then the chemistry can fade leaving you with only friendship. Even if I felt more than fondness for him I could never be so foolish as to alert him to such feelings for then I would have broken the agreement.

Why can't sex just be about sex sometimes? The needs of both people being met. I want to call and say I am free are you? Have unbelievable sex without all the complications of where is this going and meeting of friends and family.

I have already experienced the meeting of friends and family where I was told I was not enough. I was married to someone that made me feel like I was not enough, so perhaps enjoying someone's company where we are both looking for just enough for right now is good enough for me?

Anyone is free to comment!
I DO NOT take any comments as judgments or moral implications but merely a platform for open discussion and debate because after all I love to argue!

Anonymous said...

How long can enjoying someone's company where you are both looking for just enough for right now last… if there was such an unbelievable chemistry between the two of you, how long can sex just be sex??
You are not at all cold because you can disconnect those feelings but after some time together you will develop feels, fondness, emotions for him…when you make that call because you need to feel someone’s touch, when you just need to feel that high and he’s busy, how many times can he turn you down before it crushes you and brings you down… and then your back to where you started WITHOUT.

It hurts to bad to be brought down again...


B said...

Recently learned that sex is just sex. Sometimes we complicate it with feelings and desires. But in the end you only delude your self what you feel is real.

Yes you can completely disconnect yourself from sex even after the time together has come and gone.

There are lots of kinds of sex: good sex, bad sex, pity sex, and even angry sex; however all of it can just be two people together and helping bring physical needs to the forefront of our being and then move on.

Is it right, morally speaking no but it is no less tarnishing of the soul than just lusting after each other.

And there comes a time when the sex must end, and you are left wondering what was all the fuss about, and then remember the reason you came to together in the first place; Sex. So the emotions you thought you had or felt well they weren't real in the first place.

Calliope said...

PK~ When he would blow me off or cancel plans I wasn't crushed because there where all these feelings tied to him. He never allowed me to get to know him all that well just like I didn't let him get to know me. Our conversations were that of seventh graders; stunted and surface small talk.

I was angry because I spent time and money getting prepared to see him. I wanted to make the little amount of time we had together nice. I would get my toes done, get waxed and the other small things us ladies do to prepare for yummy delicious sex.

I was pissed because I found it hard to believe a person could not find an hour a week to see me. If anything it told me he wasn't interested in anything other than toying with me (not in the good way). I can only believe at one point in time the attraction the chemistry was mutual and as time progressed my dominance and my bold ways were too much to handle.

The truth of the matter is I knew I would never mean anything to him other then what it was and in truth I am ok with what it was. I do wish we could have stretched it out a little longer. He smelled amazing, kissed like no one has ever kissed me and had the most beautiful cock I have ever seen. ;) Although I would never tell him, his ego is plenty big enough!

B~ I do not feel my soul was tarnished in any way. I am a grown woman that made a choice that was right for me. In that moment it was all I had to offer, my body for pleasure. My heart was crushed and the very fabric of my being torn in two. I don’t think he could offer much more then that either. He had suffered a loss, was stressed and was pulled a thousand directions all at once.

We came together in a time of need and parted when our needs no longer matched up. Would I like to think I cross his mind on occasion, absolutely? Does it matter one way or the other, probably not.

I feel like I have a good handle on my emotions regarding him. I just never wanted to punish him for someone else’s transgressions and I feel towards the end I was trying to hold him accountable for burdens that were not his to bear.

B said...

The heart attaches to whom ever it likes so we end up in a battle between head and heart.

Tarnish of the soul~ well we all do that some point in our lives and it all depends on how you look at it or think about it.

Do I miss him yeah, does he miss me; probably not. But do I care anymore, no cuz am not going to delude myself that it was ever more than exactly what we said it was. Just sex. sides in the words of Tina a second hand emotion and afraid of my rejection.

so I say have fun, be careful and learn all you can no matter how big or beautiful the "ego" may be.

Calliope said...

Oh how beautiful and BIG his 'EGO" is ;)