Sober



This song for me is about letting go of a delicious addiction. I barely drink, I have never smoked nor have I ever done drugs or popped pills. My choice of drug; Parker and all his yumminess. His eyes, smile, smell, strong arms, and his kisses.

His kisses enveloped me in to a delusion of something that was never going to be but something I wanted more then I have ever wanted anything else in my life. To have feelings awoken in me that I did not even know existed. To feel lust in the true sense of the word and being consumed by it.

At some point I had to face reality and get sober. I have lapsed on occasion but when I return to reality, I realize he was nothing more then a exquisite fantasy in living color.

16 comments:

Calliope said...

Been thinking about Parker lately and reminding myself to stay sober! He was an addiction in the best and worst kind of way.

Sobriety isn't so bad. It allows you to see the world as it is, to see people as they are not how you wish they would be.

But...... how I love when that feeling of euphoria slips over you and your eyes are all hazy and the world is how you want it to be and the person in your life is exactly who they should be and somehow being with you makes them better and you better.

Calliope said...

Ok, so I just posted on February 8,2010 how Parker has been on my mind. Today I get a text message from him out of the blue after months of nothing. It is as if he some how knew he was on my mind.

Just the time I think I am over longing for him he stirs up all those delicious lustful thoughts. Why is sobriety so hard? We had a good conversation. It was light and airy, casual. At least I haven't run into him.

It is so much harder to stay sober when his proximity allows me to feel, to close my eyes and imagine his lips on mine again.

Ok I have to stop now before I want to call him or run into him! Grrr.......

cjn said...

Remember to say your serenity prayer and to cling to your 12 steps... lol... Parker never knew what an amazing, lustful, adventurous and amorous woman he had longing for him... if he would have truly gotten a taste of what was being offered, it would be him rather than you needing to chant...."My name is Parker and I am addicted to ...... ". Love ya woman!!!

Calliope said...

This is becoming my blog with in a blog. Parker affects me more than I care to admit.

I came across a picture of him today. (Well honestly I sought out a picture of him.)

Upon seeing it I got all flushed, my skin became hot and painfully I remembered he does not want me.

Trying to remember my serenity prayer I remind myself all the reasons why he is no good for me.
I cross over rail road tracks four times a day and I chant, "Please let me forget him, forget the way he kisses and forget his heat."

I try to forget his adorable face and looking into his eyes that are so captivating. He has this tortured quiet nobody gets me look about him yet he is outgoing and he knows hundreds of people. I suspect very few people really "know" him. I feel like I know him more than he ever gave me credit for.

I told him in our text message conversation the other day that he doesn’t have a dark side that he is vanilla.

Whatever time we had together for however brief of a time it may have been, I would have added to his life and made it less vanilla.

I know that I am fiery and feisty, wild and a lot to handle but I also know I am passionate, and interesting, caring and many other things.

I wish I knew why he ran before he gave me a chance. Why he is so scared? (I KNOW the chemistry and heat was there at one point in time!)

Him contacting me that day was random. It was thoughtless on his part yet he will never understand that. He will never know how hard I work to stop wanting someone who does not want me.

Calliope said...

I saw him last night and it still amazes me how much he can affect me. Like a school girl, I get butterflies and all fidgety. I can’t stand still nor can I take my eyes off him. He is just a guy but WOW!

How is it that 15 minutes with someone can make your heart soar and all the other problems fall off your shoulder, temporarily forgotten?

Promises made to make time to see each other but I am unsure if I should allow myself to become excited at promises after all they are just words for the moment.

Calliope said...

I am slowly sobering up. He is becoming less and less appealing. He is full of words and promises that he has no intention of keeping or is incapable of keeping.

There are so many wonderful characteristics about Parker but I am starting to see a great deal that are less then appealing. I am beginning to realize that all I may have is LUST. His kisses are amazing but the rest of him, as a human being leaves room for improvement. If he was interested he would show interest. I am an ego boost when he is feeling down.

I made the mistake of telling him I thought he was amazing, but his biggest mistake was failing to see that I am pretty extraordinary myself. When it boils down to it he could NEVER have handled me. I see that now. A friend told me I am best described as Espresso Fudge Ripple all the while to me he will always be vanilla.

She said; "Espresso" not coffee because espresso is like a kick, it is strong and full flavored. “Fudge” not chocolate because fudge is rich and dark. “Ripple” because I easily weave throughout everyone’s hearts and minds with my creative insightful companionate ways.

I want to believe she is right at the very root of it all, I am who I have always been and that my friend makes me a lot to handle.

Parker simply was not up for the challenge or the risk of no longer having certainty.

Calliope said...

So I woke at 3am on May 10th consumed with thoughts of Parker. Consumed to the point there was no way I was going to get back to sleep. I keep wondering if things with us will ever play out the way I want them to.

The thing about him and of course no one else will see this the way I do is we have some fucked up cosmic fate or something that tied us together. The chemistry I know is there is like nothing else I have experienced. And for once I am not talking about sex. I am talking about just being blown away by someone. To actually feel as though the breath was knocked right out of you.

When he is available I am not when I am he is not. I wake consumed with thoughts of him and boom out of nowhere I get a text from him within hours of these over whelming thoughts.

It happened in February and again now in May. We have gone weeks or months of not speaking giving each other space to figure things out and then somehow we are thinking about each other at the same time.

Almost like I willed him to talk to me without saying a word? It all just seems so unfair. To know we could be extraordinary together but never having the chance to try.

I found out later on in the day after a very long text message that he is with a new person. Mark my words he will marry this one. Even though he is not the "marring kind" with her he will.

I get it. They have known each other for 8 years they have history as friends and know all the same people while I was an interloper.

I don't know their stories or all their mutual friends. She seems to be a better fit for all the right reasons. I have kids and a divorce under my belt while she is single.

Still at this earlier hour I am plagued about this cruel cosmic joke.

Calliope said...

I have not uttered a word to him since our May conversation and then twice in the same week he messages me.

Just about the time I try to put him out of my mind he crops up from no where all sweet and shit. GRRRRR.........

I find it hard to let go of something I know could be extraordinary if he would just give it a chance. I am flustered and frustrated.

What ever his reasons were, he made it clear I wasn't his choice; so why does he keep coming in and out of my life?

It is pure torture to want to talk to him or to see him or to smell him. To want to taste his lips again to feel his hard body pressed against mine and knowing I can't have those things by his doing not mine.

Ok I feel a little better now I have vented in my secret place.

Calliope said...

If you will not, can not trust you won't take risks. If your are not willing to risk any thing, every thing then you are happy with the status quo, that is what makes you vanilla!


Just a side bar to a conversation between him and I.

Calliope said...

PROUD OF ME!!!!

I saw him today for the first time since March 2010. I can finally say I am sober or perhaps the closest I will ever get to sober regarding him. The conversation was easy and my fidgeting was minimal. We had enjoyed a very sexually tense two years before we caved and indulged. It was fun, flirty, filled with text messages, pictures and in person encounters of palpable desire.

I thought when I finally had him the stars would pale in comparison to how brilliant it would have been. We discussed this today for the first time since November. We were rushed for time and it was a huge letdown. I finally uttered the words, “You were right, we would not have been compatible.” In the bedroom yes I am sure we would have hammered out the bumps but beyond that no long term potential.

It feels good after all this time to finally have a handle on my desire for him. To be able to see him and say hello without melting inside, although I still think if we gave it another go it would be all that I fantasized.

(PS. In my humble opinion surely he was not letdown; I am bloody brilliant in the sheets and give head like no other ;)

Calliope said...

Maybe it is the time of year but I find myself wishing I could rewind time. It was right around a year ago when we indulged in each other. I wish I had been braver and been clearer about what I wanted. It may have made no difference or maybe it would have made all the difference.

Fast-forward: So I did the most idiotic thing maybe in my whole life. I actually told Parker I was in love with him. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

I don’t know why I do this to myself. I know he isn’t in love with me yet for some reason I felt compelled to relinquish this information. I make myself completely vulnerable to someone only to know they don’t feel the same but I can’t help how I feel.

He hasn’t done anything wrong this is all on me! I have to figure out how to let go of someone that doesn’t wish to be held on to, but how. Guess sobriety is back at day one. I was doing so well for awhile.

that girl said...

i will take this post and this song to heart. seriously. and i love pink. :)

that girl said...

now i think i may be up to speed, correct? this was good. and yeah, this brings tears to my eyes cause i feel like i could have written this. point me to the post about 'the night' please. gotta read it!

Calliope said...

I saw him for lunch today. He has lost weight and looks even better then before. It was so nice to actually sit and have lunch with him instead of five minutes here, another stolen ten minutes there.

One thing I noticed today is that I am not sure if we just don't have enough to talk about or not enough in common or if the sexual tension is just too much of a distraction right now? Maybe it is just me. Maybe he didn’t even notice.

I can’t think straight around him. I have never been so dumb struck around someone. I can’t sit still. I think I fidget too much he asked me if he makes me nervous. What am I suppose to say, “Hell yes because I want to jump across this table and attack you?” So I said, “No of course not!”

When we agreed on lunch I promised to be on my best behavior and I was on my very best behavior =) I didn’t tell him that I wanted to kiss him or that ever time he spoke my fingers itched to touch those freckles on his lips? That I was thinking of the teal sashes that ripped off my shirt that day being tied around my wrists while he did naughty things to me.

However I was not naughty, not at all which I think he really appreciated. I hope I proved to him I can do the whole friend thing so we can have lunch again some time. I am not sober at all. I want him now more than ever but I guess I will take being his friend over nothing. =(

Calliope said...

Today is exactly one year since the first time I slept with Parker and I can remember it as if it had been yesterday. I can close my eyes and picture us, the way we moved around the room, couldn’t keep our hands off each other, trying to fit small talk in between the lusty kisses. I am left trying to make sense of it all and it hurts like hell. When will it fade and become less important and more of a fond memory?

With him I had all that Za-Za-Zu all that lust and desire where just his proximity makes me wet. I spent too many years married to a man that never gave me any of those Za-Za-Zu feelings. (Don't judge I didn't even really know what it was until I met Parker.)

The few guys I have dated/kissed since then do not have any of that Za-Za-Zu. What if I NEVER find someone that gives me that? I cannot go through life with mediocre sex again. I need the ZA-ZA-ZU!!!

Calliope said...

Yesterday was his birthday. A year ago I was in his arms, the weight of him on me, and the smell of him in my nostrils. That is how I wanted to spend his birthday this year but instead I settled on lunch.

He looked really good and I want him more than ever. I wish he understood what his presence does to me. He loved the gift and that made me feel good.

The part that makes me want to scream is that he again stated he doesn’t think we would be very compatible because we both have a “need” a “desire” to be in CONTROL. Does he not see the irony in that statement at all?

He has decided the demise of “us” before there ever was an “us.” Now that is fucked up!