Stockholm syndrome is a strategy for survival, a psychological response seen in which the hostage shows signs of loyalty to the hostage-taker, regardless of the danger or risk in which they have been placed.
My marriage was a holy institution, something I was committed to for life. I walked down the aisle towards my soon to be husband with satisfaction in this knowledge. He was my one and only and I was thankful it would be that way. To know only him; his hands, his lips, his touch, to know there would never be the memory of another in our bed. After all, these were suppose to be the building blocks to longevity and happiness.
There were so many things that we shared that were good, our life was good. I loved him and I loved our life. I willingly accepted all the traditional flaws in a partner just like I know he accepted all of mine, but trying to cope with my own sexuality in an almost sex-free marriage nearly broke me completely.
Part of who I am, part of my own identity is the ability to show my passion and love through touching and holding, caressing and yes even sex. I could see how my lust, my desires hurt my husband yet I felt powerless to change. I desired him in a way I am unsure I can even put into words, yet he did not want me. I did not know how to reconcile with in myself how I could love someone that was so unwilling to show me psychically that they loved me back.
Feeling cranky from frustration and even downright hostile I would bring up the lack of sex and intimacy too often making him feel even more inadequate. Instead of it helping it hindered us even further. Every session felt staged for success to make me happy but never staged as returned desire or lust.
I spent years denying my own desires trying to expunge it from my spirit so I could be happy in my marriage. I felt trapped and I stayed longer then I should have. I was barely getting by, I was merely surviving. I was trapped by love, trapped by nostalgia, trapped by feelings of duty and honor.
The only danger I ever was in, was losing a piece of who I am. Rationalizing out that loving someone means accepting all of who they are and he was just not a 'touchy feely' kind of person. After twelve years of being cast into the shadows I have decided I need to accept who he is and what his needs are, and they do not match mine.
Accepting my lust for another human being is an immutable part of who I am that I can not snuff out. I have accepted that sex can be a wonderful way to express that part of who I am. Now I need to find a partner that feels the same way!