Relationship Stockholm Syndrome

Stockholm syndrome is a strategy for survival, a psychological response seen in which the hostage shows signs of loyalty to the hostage-taker, regardless of the danger or risk in which they have been placed.

My marriage was a holy institution, something I was committed to for life. I walked down the aisle towards my soon to be husband with satisfaction in this knowledge. He was my one and only and I was thankful it would be that way. To know only him; his hands, his lips, his touch, to know there would never be the memory of another in our bed. After all, these were suppose to be the building blocks to longevity and happiness.

There were so many things that we shared that were good, our life was good. I loved him and I loved our life. I willingly accepted all the traditional flaws in a partner just like I know he accepted all of mine, but trying to cope with my own sexuality in an almost sex-free marriage nearly broke me completely.

Part of who I am, part of my own identity is the ability to show my passion and love through touching and holding, caressing and yes even sex. I could see how my lust, my desires hurt my husband yet I felt powerless to change. I desired him in a way I am unsure I can even put into words, yet he did not want me. I did not know how to reconcile with in myself how I could love someone that was so unwilling to show me psychically that they loved me back.

Feeling cranky from frustration and even downright hostile I would bring up the lack of sex and intimacy too often making him feel even more inadequate. Instead of it helping it hindered us even further. Every session felt staged for success to make me happy but never staged as returned desire or lust.

I spent years denying my own desires trying to expunge it from my spirit so I could be happy in my marriage. I felt trapped and I stayed longer then I should have. I was barely getting by, I was merely surviving. I was trapped by love, trapped by nostalgia, trapped by feelings of duty and honor.

The only danger I ever was in, was losing a piece of who I am. Rationalizing out that loving someone means accepting all of who they are and he was just not a 'touchy feely' kind of person. After twelve years of being cast into the shadows I have decided I need to accept who he is and what his needs are, and they do not match mine.

Accepting my lust for another human being is an immutable part of who I am that I can not snuff out. I have accepted that sex can be a wonderful way to express that part of who I am. Now I need to find a partner that feels the same way!


cjn said...

Powerful and dramatic... I am so sad for the hurt and the abandonment you have in your heart, but time alone will heal all wounds. May you someday find the partner that can satisfy your every whim, both emotionally and physically. Hugs my friend.

missrice81 said...

WOW! That's deep....good stuff!

Anonymous said...

So I'm writing you with tears in my eyes, I just read your blog post "Relationship Stockholm Syndrome"...rarely have I ever connected with something as deeply as I did with this post.
Over the last year or so I'm pretty sure I've read most everything you've posted on your blog, and I love it all! But that post, every word, every feeling, every
it is the exact way I have felt for the past 7 yrs of my marriage...

So I guess I just wanted to say that though I've never meet you I can tell you are such a brave and strong woman and that I hope you never stop writing because you give me hope


B said...

This is the truest statement of any relationship. We give all that we are in hopes of a returning feeling and desires. Someone can match them and even bring them to new heights. And someone can hide them in their own basket ans bow out our flame that is the very core of our own being.

We end up staying for so many reaons we soend the restr of our lives trying to rationlize.

As for someone who has walked these very steps knows all to well the feelings of desire taken away, or given a little to fiercely. And knows the heartacje that comes when you no longer hold their attention.

Shine my sweet sister and there is somoene who will complete you and even challenge your deepest desires and bring your passion to soar above both of you.

I love you.

Big Geek said...

wow. I feel compelled to say something, any thing just to affirm your feelings and that you are not alone in this sort of situation... but I am at a loss because I live that and have no answers.
I have tried snuffing that desire and lust out but it persists... I begin to fear it any more.