Sanity Confessing To Insanity

I have loved to the point of madness; That which is called madness, That which to me, Is the only sensible way to love." - Françoise Sagan


Night had already fallen as I unsteadily stepped from the white S10 truck. The stars were barely visible on this January evening as the snow came fluttering down from the sky and the cold wind gave my cheeks a rosy hue. Completely lost in thought the frosty air didn’t bother me as I acknowledged to myself, in less than an hour I would be someone’s wife. I barely even noticed as I slid across the ice in my haste to maneuver my way up the steps into the church.

Emotions bubbling to the surface threatening to spill over, would I live up to all his expectations, but more importantly would he live up to mine? All I wanted was to marry someone that was my friend and my equal. I wanted to love him and desire him in a way that made my heart skip. I was excited and scared as trepidation slid over me finally making me shiver. From a distance my mother’s soft voice began to penetrate the cloudy thoughts of my subconscious. “Are you cold? I can have them turn up the heat.” her voice resonating in the empty church.

“No, I am ok.” I said walking swiftly to the small bathroom where I would prepare myself to walk down the aisle. There would be no wedding dress or a flurry of crazed bride’s maids in dresses they secretly hated; instead it was a quiet ceremony where I wore black velvet pants and a white silk shirt. It was my choice to do as my beloved asked. He wanted a small no muss no fuss wedding. I complied because I couldn’t wait to marry this man.

What makes us know or believe that for the rest of our days we will want to live, breath, dream, sleep with, love, only this one person? Walking down the aisle on my dad’s arm, my breath caught in my throat. I exhaled quickly and refocused my eyes up to my waiting groom. He seemed so self assured smiling at me I knew I loved him. Marring this man would be the easiest decision I would ever make, it would be all the years to come that would be the true test.

Having just achieved my eleventh year anniversary, I have had my share of ups and downs. This got me thinking; love is still a mystery. How does our brain leave us feeling so certain that we have made a decision to last our entire lifetime?

Being in love is one of the greatest feelings a person can experience. It is exhilarating and leaves you with a natural kind of high. Love gives you a sense of euphoria. When it is good you never want that feeling to disappear, and when it’s bad you come crashing down like any other addict when the source of their high disappears. Love has so many twists and turns that you can’t brace yourself for; anyone who permits themselves too “fall” must be insane. So the real question is; why do we do it?

I have thought about the definition of insanity relative to the definition of love. Webster’s would define insanity as the following: A relatively permanent disorder of the mind. I think love is insanity by definition. The two are synonymous. You can’t have one without the other. Love is a permanent disorder that we step into, choosing to relinquish sanity. We know we will get battered and bruised, yet we still consent to the institution. Why does anyone want to fall in love when the end result can be so painful?

We voluntarily turn off our self preservation switch and ask another human being riddled with flaws to accept us as we are and love us blindly. Giving selflessly and willingly, we don’t see their flaws and they don’t see ours. We enjoy our delusions and even bask in them. Are we logical at all, or are we totally governed by our hearts? No drug can give us that same sense of euphoria. No amount of medicine can cure it and no quantity of alcohol can numb it, when it becomes more then we can bear, yet we still long for love even if it leaves us.

Love is beyond any logical explanation. It takes over rational and lucid thought. It can develop slowly from; acquaintances, friends, raw appeal, lust, desire or attraction, and cultivate into trust, loyalty, hope, and even love. One just falls in love without rational thought or logic. Even the term “fall in love” has a negative connotation. Who would want to fall? Love at its best is, perplexing, chaotic and complicated. It would be like walking a person to the edge of a cliff and telling them to jump with no parachute or safety net. No sane person under normal circumstances would jump without a guarantee of safety, yet every day people “fall” in love and take that fateful leap without even realizing it.

When we are in love our perception of humanity looks different. We look at the world differently than those who are not in love. Everything looks good and we believe the world holds infinite possibilities. Love can give great satisfaction and enjoyment, even though some days it may feel like it is fading or gone.

In my eleven years I have run the gamete of emotions that are tied to love. There have been days where I feel like nothing can compare to how great I’m feeling in that exact moment because I am completely secure in my trust and love. It empowers me not only emotionally but like I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.

Other days I wonder if the grass is greener, or question myself and him. I question decisions made and paths not chosen. The emotions tied to love are so overwhelming that they can engulf a person in their entirety and over whelm, even control their whole personality. It is as if we no longer have power over ourselves.

Slowly realizing you can't even think straight, ready to do anything and everything. Love is our own self inflicted kryptonite. Despite this shocking analogy, I would still say, “If to love is to be insane, please, take all my sanity away.” It is with pride that I will shout to the world, “Call me insane because I am in love!”

3 comments:

cjn said...

This is a beautiful, strong piece. I love how there is so much of you laid out for everyone to see. I admire the way you can come up with a topic and run with it, making it all your own. You are an amazing writer.

fairyqueenness said...

wow, so insightful. how truly amazing you are so gifted

that girl said...

*smiles*
i really think this is beautiful.