Goodbye My Lover

It has been years since I have taken the time to write, but this morning I had this very cathartic, long over due revelation, so it seemed to make sense to post that epiphany here. Most of my writings on this blog came from a time when I was so hurt and wounded that I could not breathe without aching. After years of being close to death, I had set fire to my insides. I was trying to breathe through corrupted lungs, suffocating from the weight of my own failings as a wife, exhaling my last breath....... I played the victim throughout my divorce and even after, but I realized we both hurt each other. My hurt was done with words and his with actions. After all this time that has passed and all the changes we have experienced in our lives I realized I have not asked for his forgiveness, nor have I extended him any. Over the last seven years, every time I have felt even close to getting to the point of forgiveness a new little piece of information gets mysteriously revealed, hurting me all over again. It has stolen that chance of forgiveness right out of the air several times. Just recently I discovered he had been dating her since October 5, 2007. They have been together for eight years. That was one year since we moved from Alabama, five months after our 10 year anniversary cruise, four month after we bought the townhouse, six months before I even mentioned possibly following a job to Greensboro, and nine months before I started having feelings for Parker. (To which I maintain were in part driven by my husband ignoring me, as I did not seek out another and NEVER cheated.) I asked him the other day if it was true, had they really been dating that long. Was I really a blind fool? I am unsure why I thought I would get honesty. Astounding denial to this day even in black and white on her Facebook page. I wanted to ask him if he ever gets tired of hurting me..... but I didn't. I realized he let me go and everything about our lives eight+ years ago. I thought I was going to spend a life time with him. It is crazy how much we romanticize our relationships. Dream them up into these larger than life silver screen dramas when in reality he never loved me at all. I was merely the understudy, the fill in while he was waiting for his real soulmate? This song seems fitting. Good-bye my lover.... I knew everything about you and at one point you were my everything but now I am just letting go. Letting go of the hurt and forgiving.

Sound Relationship Advice From Single Dad Laughing

 I have found this from another website and I just thought it had some great advice. I tried to link it directly to the source but it would not seem to do it but I want to make sure I credit the right person for the blog post. "Single Dad Laughing" has some great insight, is quite witty and funny. Here is the link to the actual blog post but I have also included it in its entirety here.

When I first dated the woman I ended up marrying, I always held her hand. In the car. While walking. At meals. At movies. It didn’t matter where. Over time, I stopped. I made up excuses like my hand was too hot or it made me sweat or I wasn’t comfortable with it in public. Truth was, I stopped holding hands because I stopped wanting to put in the effort to be close to my wife. No other reason.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d hold her hand in the car. I’d hold her hand on a star. I’d hold her hand in a box. I’d hold her hand with a fox. And I’d hold her hand everywhere else, too, even when we didn’t particularly like each other for the moment.
BONUS! When you hold hands in the winter, they don’t get cold. True story.
2. Don’t stop trying to be attractive.
Obviously when I was working to woo her, I would do myself up as attractively as I possibly could every time I saw her. I kept perfectly groomed. I always smelled good. I held in my farts until she wasn’t around. For some reason, marriage made me feel like I could stop doing all that. I would get all properly groomed, smelling good, and dressed up any time we went out somewhere or I went out by myself, but I rarely, if ever, cared about making myself attractive just for her.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d try and put my best foot forward throughout our entire marriage. I’d wait to fart until I was in the bathroom whenever possible. I’d make myself desirable so that she would desire me.
BONUS! when you trim your man hair, guess what. She returns the favor.
3. Don’t tell your spouse her weaknesses.
For some reason, somewhere along the way, I always ended up feeling like it was my place to tell her where she was weak and where she could do better. I sure as heck didn’t do that while we were dating. No, when I dated her I only built her up, only told her how amazing she was, and easily looked past all of her flaws. After we got married though, she sometimes couldn’t even cook eggs without me telling her how she might be able to improve.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I wouldn’t say a damned thing about anything that I thought could use improvement. I’ve learned since my marriage ended that there is more than one right way to do most things, and that the imperfections of others are too beautiful to try and change.
BONUS! when you tell her what she’s doing right, she’ll tell you what you’re doing right. And she’ll also tell her friends. And her family. And the dentist. And even strangers on the street.
4. Don’t stop cooking for your spouse.
I knew how to woo a girl, for sure. And the ticket was usually a night in, cooking a nice meal and having a romantic evening. So why is it then, that I didn’t do that for her after we got married? Sure, I’d throw some canned soup in the microwave or fry up some chimichangas once in a while, but I rarely if ever went out of my way to sweep her off her feet after we were married by steaming crab legs, or making fancy pasta, or setting up a candlelit table.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make it a priority to cook for her, and only her, something awesome at least every month. And I’d remember that meat in a can is never awesome.
BONUS! candlelit dinners often lead to candlelit bow chica bow-wow.
5. Don’t yell at your spouse.
I’m not talking about the angry kind of yelling. I’m talking about the lazy kind of yelling. The kind of yelling you do when you don’t want to get up from your television show or you don’t want to go ALL THE WAY UPSTAIRS to ask her if she’s seen your keys. It really doesn’t take that much effort to go find her, and yelling (by nature) sounds demanding and authoritative.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d try to go find her anytime I needed something or wanted to know something, and I’d have both gratitude and manners when I did. I always hated when she would yell to me, so why did I always feel it was okay to yell to her?
BONUS! sometimes you catch her doing something cute that you would have missed otherwise.
6. Don’t call names.
I always felt I was the king of not calling names, but I wasn’t. I may not have called her stupid, or idiot, or any of the other names she’d sometimes call me, but I would tell her she was stubborn, or that she was impossible, or that she was so hard to deal with. Names are names, and calling them will drive bigger wedges in communication than just about anything else.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: Any time it got to the point that I wanted to call names, I’d call a time-out and come back to it later. Or better yet, I’d call her names, but they’d be names like “super sexy” or “hotness.” Even in the heat of the moment.
13. Don’t pressure each other.
Pressuring each other about anything is always a recipe for resentment. I always felt so pressured to make more money. I always felt so pressured to not slip in my religion. I always felt so pressured to feel certain ways about things when I felt the opposite. And I usually carried a lot of resentment. Looking back, I can think of just as many times that I pressured her, so I know it was a two-way street.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d make it a point to celebrate the different views, opinions, and ways that she had of doing things. I’d find the beauty in differentiation, not the threat.
BONUS! authentic happiness becomes a real possibility. And so do authentic foot rubs.
14. Don’t label each other with negative labels.
Sometimes the easiest phrases to say in my marriage started with one of three things. Either, “you should have,” “you aren’t,” or “you didn’t.” Inevitably after each of those seemed to come something negative. And since when have negative labels ever helped anyone? They certainly never helped her. Or me. Instead, they seemed to make the action that sparked the label worsen in big ways.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I would learn to stop myself before saying any of those phrases, and then I’d switch them out for positive labels. Instead of “you should,” I’d say “you are great at.” Instead of saying “you aren’t,” I’d say “you are.” Instead of saying “you didn’t,” I’d say, “you did.” And then I’d follow it up with something positive.
BONUS! the noblest struggles become far more conquerable. And you don’t think or believe that you’re a schmuck, which is always nice.
15. Don’t skip out on things that are important to her.
It was so easy in marriage to veto so many of the things she enjoyed doing. My reasoning, “we can find things we both enjoy.” That’s lame. There will always be things she enjoys that I will never enjoy, and that’s no reason not to support her in them. Sometimes the only thing she needs is to know that I’m there.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d attend many more of the events that she invited me to. I would actively participate and not tell all the reasons why I’d do it differently or how it could be better or more fun or time better spent.
BONUS! go to something she knows you don’t enjoy and the gratitude gets piled on later that night, like whipped cream on a cheesecake.
16. Don’t emotionally distance yourself after a fight.
I never got to experience the power of make-up sex because any time my wife was mean or we got in a fight, I’d completely distance myself from her, usually for several days. Communication would shut down and I’d avoid contact at all cost. This never let things get worked out, and eventually after it had happened enough times I’d explode unnecessarily.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I’d let myself communicate my emotions and feelings more often, and I’d make sure that she knew I still loved her any time we had an ugly bout. Sure, we’d give each other some distance. But not days of distance.
BONUS! Fantastic make-up sex. Or at least that’s the theory.
I had lots more, but the list started getting super long so I’ll stop right there. It’s amazing when you’ve had relationships end, just how much you learn and know you could have done differently, isn’t it?

My sister and her new husband will be amazing. Hopefully she’ll always be giving amazing marriage advice in the future and never have to hand out the “keep your marriage from ending” advice like I get to.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing


I have all these fears that I can't talk about because when you say them out loud it births them into something. They are no longer the concerns or fears bouncing around in your addled brain but they have enlightened the people around you with just how weak and scared you can be.

People (friends, boyfriend, mom..ect) they all dismiss them like you are being silly but you aren't. They are real fears based on real experiences ripped from chapters of your life. It is how you feel but they are quickly dismissed like you are just being insecure. What is so insecure about the FACT that things do not always go as planned or hoped?

All those old fears seep in filling my head like an octopus releasing its ink. It clouds the brain and makes everything muddy, black, dark! What if he wants out? What if he has lost interest? What if I gain to much weight and he no longer desires me? What if...... My head swims with the what ifs slowly stifling my love and overwhelming fear replacing it. 

Looking at my couch and my things I start wondering if I would be better off just leaving things as they are. Stop planning for a future that may or may not ever come. The problem with this is it changes you. Your attitude towards people. When you accept the statuesque something in you dies and the way you see things change which in turn changes you. I like my life the way it is, until I don't. Meaning I like that he comes over and stays and I miss being a wife and taking care of someone until the fear creeps in.

He has started talking about moving into the house now that the floors and painting are near done. This means he will be spending less time here and more time at his own house. I start to wonder if this feels more like a step back then a step forward. That he will see that single life with some ass on the side is the way to go. Someone who cooks for him on the nights he decides to come over and stays but the rest of the time the ability to blow in and out as he sees fit. (To be fair to him he does not seem like he plans to do this but it does not ease the fear in my head.)

In my marriage I did not say these things aloud all the time because they were dismissed as being stupid but this blog has provided me the space to write my feelings, my concerns, a true window into my psyche, a way to see the things that are not always easy to say out loud but nonetheless are felt. 

So here I sit wishing to speak but not being able to find my voice.  The rare opportunity to see the inner workings of what makes up me but never giving those I love a chance to look behind the curtain.  

I Kissed A Girl!!

It is always nice to get hit on twice in one week. Once by a guy (not bad looking) and once by a girl who was pretty hot.

She wanted to know if I had ever kissed a girl. I said, "Yes twice." Then I remembered it was actually three times and yup I liked it ;)

"Love is fragile and we are not always it's best care taker." I don't know if I have ever heard anything more true then that.

Updates on me

1. I got a LAP TOP!!!!!!
2. I finally finished the Jan NST. I am so bad! I really am sorry it took so long.
3. Sam* and I have been dating over a year now and I am very happy.
4. Sex with Sam* is amazing!!!
5.I really am going to try and get more consistent in my posting.

Any personal questions or thoughts I always welcome please ask in the comments ;)

Is Bad Sex A Deal Breaker?

I had a friend that was seeing this guy for about a month when they went on an extended weekend trip. What should have been a nice getaway turned into one mishap after another. Sometimes I feel she is her own worst enemy.

Upon her return she detailed out the weekend blow by blow. She seemed to have all these justifications of why she didn’t feel the spark but they all felt like excuses to me. For every rationalization she gave I countered with reason, logic and perspective. She keeps saying Next, Next, Next to all these guys and needs to realize some day there will no longer be a Next. No one else will be standing in line.

I tried to explain to her that love and relationships are a series of concession and compromises. There will always be things about another person that make us want to scream at the top of our lungs or even do a “Gibbs” swat to the back of the head but we bite our tongue smile politely and say, “Okay, baby” with a pasted on smile.

When she got down to the details about the sex I finally began to see her side of things. He could not kiss, had no idea what foreplay was and thought fucking should take all of 10 minutes.  I asked exasperated, “Why did you not just start with that? I would have gladly said NEXT for you!”

I guess my point to this ramble is: “Is bad Sex A Deal Breaker?” The old me would have said NO, but then again I stayed in a marriage for far longer than I ever should have because so many other aspects were good.  

In my past relationship I had to minimize sex as an important factor because my sex life was near non-existent.  My level of good vs. bad had no true comparison, making me blissfully unaware of what I was missing. How much can we compromise on? How important is sex in the relationship to each person? What are deal breakers for you?

Sam* has opened my eyes to a whole new world. Not only is the sex spectacular he has made me comfortable in a way I never was with any other partner. I am not ashamed of my desires or needs. I like that he dominates me in the bedroom. I adore the fact he can separate out the need to be dominate in some aspects of life, while others I need and must have my independence.

He has made me a believer: If the sex sucks say NEXT!!

Top 10 WTF U.S. Sex Laws

I found this and thought it was funny. I know there are a bunch of other weird laws that were never removed from the books. If you know of any please feel free to add them in the comment section. I think WY has one that you can have sex on the front lawn provided each person is wearing at least one article of clothing.  (Time to head back to WY for a visit)

A few more I found upon more research......

*It is against the law to kiss for more than five minutes in Iowa. You have to come up for air at some point, right?
*In Tremonton, Utah, a woman cannot have sex while in an ambulance. Punishment can be severe: she can be charged with a misdemeanor and have her name printed in the local paper.
*In Arizona, you may not have more than two sexual toys in your home.
*But Texas is a bit more lenient, you can have up to six before felony charges are presented.
*In Maryland and Minnesota, oral sex cannot be given or received anywhere. Especially the mouth.
*Men with moustaches are forbidden from kissing women in Eureka, California.
*In West Virginia, unmarried couples who live together and "lewdly associate" with one another may face up to a year in prison.
*In New York City, men may be fined $25 for gazing lasciviously at a female; a second conviction stipulates the offender wear a pair of blinders whenever he goes out for a walk.
*Adultery is still a crime in New Hampshire. However, there is some talk among lawmakers to take it off the books.
*In North Carolina, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled while having sex.
*Cleveland, Ohio does not allow women to wear patent leather shoes because by doing so, women may give passersby a sneak peek at their unmentionables.

Jan NST Part Two

Part Two conclusion from Part One

There I was face to face with him. All the fear left and was replaced by pure desire. I did not look directly into his eyes for that would be my undoing, but rather scanned his face as a whole. Recalling from the recesses of my brain what his lips felt like. His need transmitted through a kiss. How my finger tips use to trace his jaw line. I remembered how he would lean his forehead against mine after an explosion of pleasure had over taken us both.

Lost in thought I felt the sudden jolt back to reality when he kissed me hard and punishing. “You have been a very bad girl.” He said in a firm and authoritative voice.  Before I could respond I was being wheeled back around so I was facing the hood of the police cruiser.

He pushed me forward until my stomach was actually lying against the hood of the car. It felt strange being all displayed out across the hood, slightly humiliating. Pushing my feet with a little pressure I inadvertently widen my stance.

Leaning down he pushed his body flat against mine and whispered in my ear, “I have wanted and dreamt about this for long time.” His words were ragged and weaved with pent up lust.

“Put your arms straight above you, resting one hand on top of the other.” I did as I was told wanting to see how far he would take this whole charade before he let me go.

 “I am going to remove your panties ma’am and I expect you to stay quite still while I do this.” There were reasons I had not seen him in over a year. Once I start with him it is impossible to stop and it always ends with hurt feelings.

“Do you understand?” He asked. I just nodded, caution thrown into the wind.

I felt his hands run up the length of my legs then reached under my skirt to pull the small piece of fabric from its resting place knowing they would be damp with my need. A sharp intake of breath confirmed what I already knew.

He always did love my scent. The thought made me blush.

Teasing my lips with his tongue I could no longer hold back the moans. He shoved two fingers into my sweet spot. My pink walls closed around them as they glided in and out. I bit my lip hard to keep from crying out.

Without warning he removed his fingers. He encompassed my wrists with just on hand. My juices shimmered in the fading light on his fingers. I thought how ironic handcuffs with just one of his hands.

My mind began racing, was this it? Did he just plan to torture me close to orgasm and then dismiss me without satisfying me? Would he really be that cruel?

As my mind contemplated these things I felt a sudden fullness, what I had been longing for without knowing. He did have such a thick beautiful cock. Every thrust felt familiar and I welcomed it.

The building in me was more intense then it has been in a long time. In that moment all I could think of was, “Damn the consequences!” His real name slipped from my lips as the waves of pleasure crashed all around me.